Archive for September, 2002
Feelings
30 September 2002Last night I went to bed with a strange feeling. Had my heart pounding, had me tossing and turning, and it didn’t even really make sense to be that way, according to conscious thought. But there I was, feeling that way, losing sleep (though thank goodness, not too much.)
So what was the feeling? Hmm… Not one of fear. Not one of pain, really… But one of impending pain, of pain to come.
I’ll cut in right here while it’s on my mind. I just read Genelle’s “Small decisions” journal entry, and I’m glad she’s really getting the hang of the not-second-guessing-oneself attitude… Even if it seems I was disagreeing with her about it last night.
But back to my feeling. Impending pain. And it was a wrenchingly strong feeling. And it’s all about what’s going on with Genelle. Feels very weird to feel that way… Like, if I feel something this intense, just being the tiny fraction of her physical and emotional life (though hopefully not so tiny on the latter), then I can’t begin to imagine how taxing it is for her. But nonetheless, I feel it.
Why impending pain? Because of who I am, I suppose. You know, always wanting to help, always. But I feel like I’m not going to be very helpful to her for a while. Either I’ll have no clue what to say, what to tell her when we have talks like we did last night, or that what I will have to say won’t be what she wants or needs, or something like that. I wonder if it’s the same feeling she felt when she said we were going to drift. I don’t quite interpret the feeling that way… Partially, perhaps, but not in full. I think it would be easier to drift, and I think to a degree she needs as much, and maybe I need as much for my own sanity. But I don’t think “drifting” is the whole meaning of the feeling. I think “stick it out with her” is as much a part of it. And hey, yeah, it might hurt. But maybe I’ll be able to help absorb some of her pain, her stress, so that even though she’s a strong person, she won’t be fully “pounded to the ground”, she won’t have to be in pieces by the time she comes out of this extremely taxing point in her life.
I’ll speak directly now, it’ll be easier that way. I don’t have a friggin’ clue what the immediate future holds for our friendship Genelle. Distant future actually seems more sure to me. Immediate future, no clue. But I’ll be here for you. And, though we may disagree at times and things I suggest might piss you off, know that above all I have faith in you to make the right decisions for yourself. It’s quite simple, really. I see you find as much happiness, as much fun in one day as I’ve gone years trying to find. So you’re obviously doing something right. Yeah, I’ll disagree with specifics sometimes, and I think it’s only right of us to offer our own perspectives, but when it all boils down… I’ll support any decisions you make 100%.
Fri & Sat Recap
29 September 2002Two good days for me; two bad days for my friends.
Friday I hung out with Danté. It was pretty cool, though perhaps not as exciting as in days of old. We walked around Mill, ate at Island’s, caught One Hour Photo and then went back and picked around on the guitar at his place. Like I said, perhaps not as exciting as in the past, but at the same time, I think we’re better without that. We’ve both matured in our own ways and have resolved some of the sticking points he and I had for a while, and are healthier friends now than we’ve probably ever been.
Unfortunately, on the drive home, he got flashed by a photo-radar. So that’s why Friday was a bad day for friends.
Tonight I went out with Jeanette, John, and John’s friend, also named John, whom we referred to as Irish John. (He’s Irish, couldn’t have guessed that, huh?) We ate dinner at… What was the place called again, Molly’s? That’s what it sounded like phonetically, though I didn’t look to see if it was spelled that way. It was a Thai restaurant, and a pretty good one at that. After that, we went back to Jeanette’s and John’s house and watched Frailty, but more significantly, on the ride home had a refreshingly sincere chat with Jeanette about things. Largely about her relationship with John, possible unresolved issues from the past that might cause problems, things like that. Also talked a bit about Genelle. Now that we’ve talked about it in person (sometimes you do get things across better that way than in writing), I can definitely correct matters. She doesn’t hate Genelle or have anything against her, but simply disappointed in the course of events that have transpired between us and since.
More than that, even, she’s just concerned that I don’t complicate issues further. And I can see some validity in what she said. Like the idea of taking Erin camping along with Genelle and Sjoerd to the place where I have so many memories. I do think revisiting the place in their company will be an enlightening experience to me, but it’d be unfair to involve Erin in that. Erin and I have our own friendship, our own memories and opportunities for new memories, and that’s something I should respect. So… Maybe I’ll work out different plans with Genelle, maybe I can split a tent with someone she knows at NAU or something. And I’ll visit Erin, do stuff with her on seperate time. Yeah, that’s only fair.
Oh, and the reasons that Saturday was bad for friends: Genelle got her wallet stolen and a load of her cash & credit card already spent. That’s definitely not a fair thing to happen to a college student. My heart goes out to her, I hope things work themselves out somehow. Also, Erin is having a shitty weekend for some reason, and though I respect and understand the fact that she didn’t want to talk about it any more at the point I asked, I hope she knows my heart goes out to her too.
Driving
27 September 2002Not much to write home on today, but I took the first half of my behind-the-wheel. Did all the basics: perpendicular & angle parking, turning, backing up… He even had me drive all the way out to Saguaro Lake, which involve taking a lot of hills and curves. Of course, those were child’s play after driving to Camp Verde, and I quite enjoyed it. The second half comes next Thursday, which sounds to me like it’s mainly parallel parking, freeway driving, and heavy-traffic driving. After that, so long as I don’t do anything wrong, I get to go straight to the DMV and get my license. :-D
Crazy Girl
26 September 2002Goin’ camping and stuff on a school night. :-P Nah, it’s all good. Wish I had a place to camp & get out of this ridiculous heat without travelling hours away.
Anyhow, she’s right… Things are definitely a little dysfunctional between the two of us right now. And yeah, I have been comparing her life to mine, but she should realize it’s not because I’ve been trying to judge her or what not but because it’s been something for me to try to live up to. The things I discovered last night (which I touched on in my update, albeit perhaps too metaphorically) were that (1) there’s no way in hell I can live up to the life she’s living right now… She’s got so much going on and so much energy in the way she goes about things, I know I can’t compare with that. But more significantly, (2) I don’t have to live up to it, nor compare it to my own. The former half I’d been slowly realizing lately, but was still stuck in the habit of the latter. I’d thought last night, “If she doesn’t slow down and ground herself, she’s going to miss something.” But in reality, it’s quite the opposite. If I stop looking so far ahead of myself, trying to keep up with her, and if I don’t start paying better attention to what I’m doing and I need to go, I’m going to miss something important to my life right now. Not to mention, in doing what I’m doing… Yeah, I’m creating friction between the two of us.
We can take it, though, if we have to. Again she’s right in saying we do this, we express our feelings, our discomforts, and do on because we can. We can handle it. I’m sure part of the reason we’re finding so much friction, maybe even searching for it, between each other lately is because, on some level or another, we always believe we can get past it. Is that good or bad? I guess it could be both. On one hand, being able to cut down trouble like a blade, one would think there’d come a point when there’s nothing left but good stuff to enjoy. On the other hand, in doing so, even though we’re capable, we might leave that good stuff tainted for a while, or at least not as enjoyable as it should be.
Heh… Simple me. I just realized something. Despite carrying an infinitely better attitude about life than I had a few weeks ago, I’m still feeling the grinding crawl of waiting. Of actually getting out there and doing things. So now, whereas before it led to sadness & depression in me, it’s no leading into condescension upon Genelle. Not because I don’t like what she’s doing or anything, but because, though I love my new attitude, it sitll hasn’t gotten me anywhere, so I’m getting a little defensive and envious. Ahh… Now that makes sense of a lot of things, doesn’t it?
Flabby
26 September 2002“Maybe we should take your flabby pectorial mussules and tie them together like a christmas bow and put you under the tree, and believe me my friend, no one would open you, and no one would even return you.” - Hans & Franz, SNL
Flabby no more, or at least not much longer!
Just got back from another night of working out, and boy am I getting used to it. I’m still kinda weak on some exercises (Like 3 sets of 12 reps of incline press at 75 lbs… That’ll have to improve.) but I’m getting consistent, increasing a bit, and expanding the types of exercises I’m doing. Tonight I added a couple of back exercises: the lateral pull-down and the low row. I’m pretty happy with my routine now, at least until I get my license and can find enough time to do reps on every machine. All I’ve got to do is work in an aerobic exercise–I’ve been planning on the bike machine, but again, time restraints, so I guess it’s back to walking–and the abs. Bicycle crunches. Won’t be hard at all, just a pain to get myself to exercise once I’m home.
In today’s news… Well, there is no news. Like I said earlier, I hid a bit to keep my unsightly fever blister (and not-so-bad-but-still-there zits) to myself. But I’m reading a cool book: Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway, a book I’m actually reading for my small business class, but had I known how insightful it is, would’ve read it anyhow. The title explains the general idea of the book; it pretty much talks about how to face our fears, own up to our personal responsibilities and push forward. Simple stuff, it may sound like, but hard to actually get going unless you really pay attention to it, either through conditioning as this book helps with, or throwing down the gauntlet and saying “Enough!” That’s part of the reason I’m so intrigued by the book… I’ve found that these revelations, this new attitude I found, and the means by which I found it, line up almost exactly with the author’s experience. Whether or not the experience is common, I don’t know, but it’s exciting just to know I’ve started down the book’s path, yet entirely on my own.
A funny feeling came to me tonight as I read Genelle’s journal entry tonight. Lately I’ve felt that, while I’ve been exploring this new branch on my life path, she’s just been truckin’ high speed down her path. But tonight I got the feeling that, with her near-obsession with abstraction and contemplation, she’s quite possibly embarking on an even more significant branch than my own, or a sidetrack, or scenic route or something. (I can’t seem to find the right metaphor, believe it or not.) Or maybe it’s actually that I’m getting back on the right path, for the first time in a long time, and she’s getting off-track. Now, like I said, I don’t know if that’s it or not… And even if it is, at least her sidetrack is one of positivity & euphoria, not depression & emptiness. But, case in point, I guess tonight I realized to what extent we are going down different paths right now. And rather than torture myself or get annoyed by where in the world she’s going, I’m just going to focus on the fact that I’m happy with my own path. Should those paths meet again, great, but I’m not going to try and move mountains to make it happen.
Another thing I realized… I like my concreteness. I mean, I’m amazed and excited by all the open doors I’m seeing, and that’s definitely abstract thinking, which I don’t want to lose now that I’m getting the hang of… But I like having specifics, not just the why, but the who, what, when, where, and how. Maybe it’s still a matter of comfort, but I think it’s simply part of who I am. And I know I’m not too inhibitively concrete… I’ve taken concrete/abstract tests and scored almost down the middle each time… I think I had just come to rely upon it too much. I can think both ways, but like concreteness better. When I picture happiness in life, it’s not just “whatever I come upon that makes me happy”… it’s sitting in an ugly green chair, dangling my arm off the side to scratch the dog’s head. It’s a cabin in the mountains, with evergreens and a little stream. Not everything is like that; my outlook on romance is very much abstract. But, that concreteness is there and I like it. It doesn’t mean I’m afraid of risking discomfort trying for something else, because those things I know I want aren’t things I have yet. It’s just what I know I want.
Eh, nothing else to say right now so I won’t bother with a conclusion. Though I guess this would be one, wouldn’t it?
Orion’s Belt
25 September 2002That’s what my mouth looks like today, with two little zits and a fever blister. Gotta hate those days when you want to walk around with a towel over your face. Oh well, only one class today so I won’t have to avoid too many people. :-P
40680
25 September 2002| Romance Meter: Thoms-world | |||||||||||||||
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Sigh…
25 September 2002I get the distinct feeling someone’s trying to compete with me for someone else’s attention. I’m not going to play that game. I don’t really have much of a chance to from a little window on a computer screen anyhow.
Slow day, bad leg, good sleep, goodnight.
www.thoms-world.com
25 September 2002Yes, I know I’ve said it before, but it’s a much safer bet this time, as I already have a few websites under my belt…
Thom’s World is getting it’s own domain!
In fact, it already has it. It might just take a day or two for the domain to propagate across the ‘net.
http://www.thoms-world.com
Yay!
Now, now, now….
23 September 2002What have I told you about second-guessing yourself? Whether things are real or whether they will last, it’s still real in the moment, so enjoy the moment. You taught me that.