Archive for October, 2002
Fucking Halloween
29 October 2002Weird shit always does happen around Halloween. It really is crazy how that happens. Fuck.
A Thought
27 October 2002Just figured out one of those good things. It’s really nice to have a friend who I don’t feel really needs me, would be a complete wreck without me, ’cause she’s got such a good head on her shoulders and a heart to match… but it’s amazing for her to still find importance in me. Funny, it really goes back to things I’ve held true for years: you can’t truly understand or appreciate things like happiness or love with another person until you know you’d do perfectly fine on your own. You get to that point, and you find someone that, while those truths don’t change, you still know you’re better off with them in your life.
Just a tidbit that passed through my head.
oh my god… wow…
23 October 2002I’ve got total broken record going on, but I can’t help it… this is too amazing…
wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow…
x infinity
I’ll try and explain at a later time, if I can put it into words.
Well, well…
21 October 2002A lot to talk about but no time to yet. Probably better to sort things out before rambling online about them. But in short, this weekend was a wonderful one. And despite the abundance of such great weekends in the past three or four months, this one was an easy contender. :-)
Ahhhhhh……
19 October 2002What a superb night tonight was. So simple yet so grand.
Erin & I hung out tonight. We went to Mill Ave. (I drove!) and ate outside at Island’s and caught a showing of Red Dragon. Talked about alcohol, marriage-savvy friends, misadventures of college life, the movie… A bunch. Magnificent. ;-)
I miss Erin. In that way like, I’ve been an idiot to let so much time pass by without keeping her a part of my life. Everything is so comfortable, so natural with her. Just as we were before, I must say… We could talk and talk without more than a few breaths gap of silence, and it has never been forced or anything. And now, I suppose because I’ve lived a little beyond the schoolbooks the past few years, it feels like we can talk about more, and about more real, pertinent of things. It’s so nice.
Funny… Just, what, a week ago, I was upset over this problem of Genelle and I having strings, to a small degree not wanting to admit the fact. But you know what? There are stings there with Genelle. I love Genelle and I care for her so much, but there are at times almost too many feelings, certainly too many desires, behind my end of things. Maybe hers too, I don’t know. But there aren’t any strings with Erin. It’s so relaxed it’s not funny! And not in a “ho-hum” way, just so natural and comfortable… as it seems I keep on saying. And not to say that I don’t want anything from my friendship with Erin. On the contrary, I’m excited and hungry for it to grow greater & stronger, and I think that’ll happen. But that hunger doesn’t dominate my interactions with her… Instead, it’s an offspring of it.
Ah, I don’t know how to describe it. And I can’t say for sure that this isn’t the same relaxed feeling I’ve gotten with others before insisting on creating drama. If that’s so, than I pray I don’t create any drama with Erin. But ah, it’s so nice. I’ll leave it at that.
Want something to read? Here’s some New Age crap! =P
17 October 2002Ok, here goes. I was actually working on this update earlier.
- - - - - - - - - -
Hmm… Some of Genelle’s thoughts…
As I sat here munching on my nachos and staring at the wall I had a random thought asking me why I would feel the need to pursue the following of a religion, albeit one that makes sense to me. I don’t feel like I need the security, the answers, that religion (as I perceive it, namely Christendom) blindly provides people and whether or not it is more in line with my own beliefs (that I arrived at on my own), why subscribe to any following all the same? And I guess the follow up thought to that was that I wouldn’t be using it to give me answers, to give me security, to give me a safety blanket and let me stop thinking and say ok, I’m in a comfortable place now and I have let God into my life and blah blah blah. I think it would be rather the opposite, or anyway that’s why I’m looking into it at all, that perhaps it would give me more things to think about, more things to question, new viewpoints that I wouldn’t have thought of on my own.
I’m not assuming the role of hero here, that is so not what I’m meant to be, so not how I know how to be, nor what I desire. It’s just a genuine love for these people, these thinking, feeling, eager people that make it into my life, and my heart… And not just “those” people, “those” people that I see as worthwhile now. I have a feeling that with time I will come to have a desire and an interest and a faith in the rest of humanity, the majority, those who aren’t of that capacity to which I hold such high standards for.
Eh, this is weird to write about, especially knowing she’s the most likely person to read it. But reading those words from her… It was one of those moments when I realize things I take for granted about myself… lessons I’ve already learned, experiences I’ve already been through, areas in my life I already feel more-or-less fulfilled with. And, eesh, why am I constantly afraid that such mini-revelations of my own will come off as arrogant? But I mean, I feel I’ve figured a lot of this stuff out already.
I’ve gone down the road of exploring religion. Not to say I’m done by any means, but I’ve found a comfortable spot, and it’s oddly where little religion at all is involved in my life, aside from the feelings I hold in my heart, the attitude I present to others in hopes of sharing such feelings, and of course those familiy holidays. :-P It’s funny, just as I started writing this, the bassist from my first band–”Instruments of Clay”, a Christian band that clearly wanted to emulate Jars but whose only song resembled something from a Disney toon–instant messaged me. It got me wondering how I started down such roads. I suppose I got into youth group because of connections through Scouting, and because there’s not many other groups in a town that small. But I got involved with music, and I got involved with church activities, and by god, I felt something. Some form of greatness. And for a while, I was hooked. I was never the type to walk around, asking if someone was saved or telling them they were damned to hell if otherwise, or trying to recruit them to our church or anything… But I was hooked. I gained such a great attitude about things, not so much about living life (obviously, that attitude is still being learned) but about people and things and what’s important and how you can make anything important or better in some way. It was really peaceful, and I think I’ve carried that with me ever since.
But… Before long, I realized that I got those feelings, that peace, more from playing a song on a picnic table or from handing out canned food to hungry people than from sitting in a pew, reading scripture and singing some archaic hymn. I learned that going to church was all too much about knowing the right people, being on the right committee, saying goodbye to an old minister or putting up with a crappy new one. And so much politics. So many agendas, and not nearly enough of them related to the very things we sat in that building listening about on Sundays. There wasn’t much religion in church, not as I saw it. My religion was my faith, or even simpler… that feeling I felt in my heart. And the extent of religion that was social or communal or whatever wasn’t having a board of elders or a finance committee; it was trying to share that feeling through warmness and kindness and example.
And then I moved out here. Oh man… My disillusionment of organized religion was complete. In all my experience in the valley, the sole function of church activities seem to be attempting to recruit youth and college members so they’ll come and bring their parents and the churches won’t have to worry so much about the seasonal fluctuation of revenue due to part-time residents. Well, I won’t say all my experience… My aunt has had some luck finding some cult-type churches whose purposes I’m sure involve some sort of homicide or koolaid-drinking down the line. In truth, the only person I’ve known here who has a genuine thirst for religious connection is Erin, and look what she’s had to go through… New ministers, unwelcome feelings, unfriendly new churches… Rather familiar territory for me, I’m afraid.
No, I’m not afraid, actually. I might preach a bit of ignorance these days, admitting that I don’t know bunk about whatever greater force there is. But I do believe there is one, and I feel its presence all the time. I feel more in touch with “God” or whatever I should call him now than I ever did as a member of the church. I’ve found that my faith is not needing all the answers, not having many at all to be honest, yet still feeling that peaceful feeling I’ve long felt. Sure, I’ll always look for answers, and I hope to stumble onto them from time to time, but I don’t feel lost without them.
And you know what? I think I’ve felt tastes of “transcendence” too. There have been a few instances in my life where I’ve felt… almost out of body. Really. The time I remember most is at Scout camp. Most of the other guys were off at another site playing frisbee or capture-the-flag or something, but I was just laying in my tent, with the front half folded over, giving me a perfect view of the stars. And I just looked out there and… Sounds seemed to slow down and drift away, and my vision seemed to expand… like infinitely peripheral, like I could see everything. Or maybe not even see, but feel and sense all of existence. It was euphoria. There is truly no other word to describe. That’s why that scene and that word have always stuck with me so strong. The script I wrote last fall, there was a honeymoon scene where the couple was just laying on the hood of a car, looking up at the stars, and the scene ended with the guy saying he felt “euphoric”. It will never escape me. That’s why one should always remember “euphoric” is about the ultimate compliment I can give, because it means so much to me. And that’s why I’ll always be vulnerable to laying under the stars with a girl, because I’ll be hoping (for both our sakes) to recreate that euphoria. And you know, last couple times I’ve stargazed like that, I have felt a whole other breed of that euphoria… I may not have felt like “one with the universe”, but I felt like I had merged souls. So… All the more wonderful baggage I’ll carry with me as I look at the stars in the future. ;-)
I’ve felt similar feelings elsewhere. I remember stepping off a plane to see my grandpa, years ago, before grandma had passed… And more than joy to see him or to be back “home” in a way or anything like that, I remember a feeling like everything was perfect, everything was exactly in place. I’ve felt bits of these feelings so much, and just took them so much for granted or didn’t understand them, that I actually was afraid I had epilepsy or something. Like I was spacing out. But that night under the stars, there’s no disputing it in my heart. I went places that night, or the universe came to me & for a few minutes I was able to soak it up like a sponge. It was euphoric. ‘Nuff said. I know how it feels.
My, this is shaping up to be one of my longest entries yet and I’ve only covered half of the topics. Okay…
Love. Care. Concern. Compassion. For everyone, not just a select few. Oh, how I can relate to that. At first, I was going to treat this as a seperate subject, but I realize it’s probably very much related. As I grew more and more at ease over the years, feeling in touch with myself and the universe and greatnesses and such, I guess I developed such feelings for people. I don’t know if Genelle is beginning to feel this way, but for me, it feels like there will always be more than enough–enough of what? greatness, feelings of peace and goodness, or whatever those indescripables are–there will always be more than enough of those things to go around, and it feels nothing but good to spread them. As far as caring for people and trying to help them or move with them through tough times and feelings… I guess I’ve almost always felt strong and empowered enough to overcome such negatives, and to help them do the same, because deep down, they have the same strength and empowerment. So it’s not a teacher-student thing, or doctor-patient… It’s two powerful souls, one in a good position trying to help one in a bad position. And that must sound like charity, but it’s not… Because it’s really almost selfish, as much as that helping soul receives.
Wow, now how’s this for a bunch of psycho metaphysical new-age mumbo jumbo? =P Truth is, it must be real in some way if we’ve ever felt these things.
Wow
14 October 2002Thom: where were we? I was just about to say something about a vision or something, eh?
Genelle: lol yeah i think so
Thom: ah
Thom: hmmmmm…..
Thom: it really is a silly, rather specific vision
Thom: wasn’t sure if it merited repeating to you
Thom: but I guess, what the hell
Thom: :-P
Genelle: well get on with it
Genelle: :-P
Genelle: wish you could see when i roll my eyes at you
Genelle: ;-)
Thom: well, I had a vision of you travelling the globe (not too far fetched) years from now, going every which place, writing for a paper or something
Genelle: say we meet at a bar in milan and i’ll shoot you :-P
Thom: :-P no
Thom: but I also saw myself, settled in in some cozy community, with like a psychologist’s practice set up, seeing patients
Thom: but those flights you’d take back to the states would just happen to take you to the nearest major airport to the community I live in
Thom: and… agh, so cheesy
Genelle: lol no i like it
Genelle: i dig it, seriously
Thom: but essentially I felt like you were, quite literally, coming home to me, as we’ve said before
Thom: like, to the extent of having a real physical home
Genelle: :-)
Genelle: no one else in the world i’d prefer to do just that with
. . . . . . . . .
Thom: wow
Thom: sorry… I’m still kinda amazed that that little vision of mine didn’t come off as silly
Genelle: psh
Genelle: are you kidding?
Genelle: i guess i envision much the same thing
Genelle: i think i have right from the beginning
Thom: really?
Genelle: it’s just an…inherent understanding with me or something
Little else to say, except something I’ve been saying a lot lately… Well, see the title. ;-)
Wow!
13 October 2002How FUCKING AMAZING it is… I can’t even begin to describe… but to find so many thoughts, so many feelings, depth, emotion from someone… and at the same time, able to feel the simplest, innate joy, euphoria from the very same person… WOW!
Night Driving, Socializing, Discmans and So Forth
13 October 2002Already it feels like things are picking up. Driving is such a piece of cake already, it’s not funny. I’m ready to drive, drive, drive! Got in my first bit of unsupervised night driving tonight, that was no problem. In the process, I got to go over and see Kaleena. It wasn’t insanely entertaining, it’s not like we threw a party, all got drunk and played Twister or anything. Just the same, though, I enjoyed it. Got to catch up a fair bit, which is always good to do in person even if you keep fairly up-to-date online. Also talked about things… You know, waxed a bit philosophical. Talked about love and being in love and soulmates and all sorts of stuff like that. Not so much personal experiences, though a bit of it yes, but mainly of the existence of such things and the significance thereof. It was pretty cool. Reminded me that she isn’t just an ex who browses Neopets.com all day, but that like most friends I pride myself on having, she’s got depth, she’s got substance.
Figured out some feelings I’ve been having… about the future, about me and someone else and how we feel… nothing major, and nothing that should be mentioned right now. All things that will be dealt with in time. But it’s just nice to do, to sense things, to feel things, and know what they mean. It does let you know you’re alive in the truest sense of the word.
Ooh, and now that I’ve spoken so much about depth and understanding… Shallow thought time! =D I splurged a bit and got a Sony Car Discman today. It recognizes MP3s, so I listen to over a hundred songs without having to change a disc. It’s so nice! I’ve got most of my Eagles, Simon & Garfunkel, Jars of Clay, Wallflowers, and Tom Petty condensed onto a disc. 93 songs at 256k quality… just awesome!
Hmm… What’s to come? Tomorrow our family is having another softball game. Thankfully I wisened up and got some baseball pants (or rather, got my mom to pay for them) so I shouldn’t seriously injure myself again… hopefully… ;-) After that, hmm… Classes, driving… I feel like asking someone to lunch, but I’m apprehensive about spending too much (more) money before I start working. I think I will though. Lunch is just lunch, and I’m ready. I wanna do something. Yeah, this will be cool.
Ooh! Erin is going to be in town next weekend. She and I are going to try to get together for coffee or lunch or something. I also offered to drive her back to Tucson, as a coutesy to both her and her mother. Ah, it is nice to be able to do things. And, I’m rambling without much direction. But, at least I’m writing an entry, for all you wonderful fans (or in reality, two or three of my real-life friends) to read, eh?
(Insert fitting song title for newly licensed, NEWLY EMPLOYED Thom here.)
11 October 2002Takin’ Care of Business?
Working for the Weekend?
Take this job and shove it… no, no… That’s for when I quit.
I HAVE A JOB! I HAVE A JOB!
It really is so incredibly easy for me to get a job, if I can get my foot in the door. I would’ve had the job at BCHS if it wasn’t for my school schedule. I would’ve been offered the job at Smith JHS if I hadn’t turned it down first. And I was offered a job today. Yes, Danté’s old stomping ground, Sears. Just a few minutes into the interview, and the Ops Manager, Jeff, offered me a spot. It’s seasonal, and as a cashier, neither of which I’m crazy about, but I’m confident that, should I want to stay there, I’ll do well enough to stay on, and hopefully even get bumped to sales before too long.
Wow! It was so easy to get the offer! I still can’t get over that. It’s been such a pain in the ass actually finding a place that was hiring, but the first place I go and I get it. And I have so little experience doing this kinda thing too, and I told them as much, but it seems they’ve got confidence that I’ll do a fine job.
I didn’t even blow a bunch of smoke for the questions they asked. They were those “what does customer service mean to you” type of questions, and sure I told them what they wanted to hear, but I realized it’s how I actually feel. People are my top priority in life, caring for them and such, so it seems like it would just naturally translate over to customers in a sales environment.
Oh, more good news… I briefly inquired about how I’ll go about getting my hours scheduled, and I’m assured it will be very flexible. So certain plans set for early next month are still a go! =D Wow, wow, wow! This is it. I drove by myself for the first time today, AND got a job. This is life. It’s beginning. And I’m ready!