Archive for November, 2002
Whoa, Seriously Needed Update
25 November 2002I realized tonight that I have gone way past due with an update.
Not much to say, except that work’s going fine, Genelle IMed me tonight… You’d think there’d be more to say about that, but there isn’t really. Things are just “natural”, I suppose, at least considering the situation. This was just a step in whatever direction we’ll head, and I’m not going to read anything else into it because that would be two steps back. So all that stuff, school sucks, Jeanette brought up some issues with me being friends with Danté… That happened quite a while ago, but it’s been on my mind. She seems to have some weirdness about me being friends with both of them, like it’s not possible or not right or it means I’m dissatisfied with her as a friend. That’s obviously not the case. They’re both my friends, and sure I might be dissatisfied with each of them at times, but I treat them as independent friends and not an either/or situation. I see nothing wrong with hanging out with one of them and later the same night chill with the other. The only thing that bugs me about it is Jeanette’s difficulty with it. But she’ll just have to figure it out.
So yeah, there’s that stuff. Eh, now to the cool stuff… that which I was leading into. This… Friday, I believe… Danté and I went to Mill and tried to meet people. We’re such “vaginas”, as he likes to put it. But I actually got the balls to just go up and say hi to a complete stranger. Actually said a fair bit more than hi, but there didn’t seem to be a return for interest so I cooled it. It’s nice to have done it. It feels like it should be so much easier than it was, but then I realize there are a thousand other people down there hoping to meet people that end up strolling in silence the entire night. A thousand islands just hoping to build a bridge, simply unsure how to do it. I’ve gotten my feet a little wet, at least.
Ah, and I go to bed assured of something I have known in my heart for a while, but have forced myself to disregard… The fact that I do, in fact, have five amazing friends, not four. And I know and she knows even though it may go unsaid. I love you all, my peeps. Wish everyone well. G’nite.
Smart-Popcorn.com
25 November 2002Smart-Popcorn.com is officially running on its own hosting account, boasts a NEW color scheme, a NEW forum system, and will soon include a NEW review system. (We’re talking by Thanksgiving on that one. I suggest all my LJ readers take a look, perhaps even sign up under the forums, as this site will hopefully become a major part of my life, and I want you all along for the ride. (Having you along will probably motivate me a bit extra, too.)
Ohmygod…
21 November 2002ohmygod,ohmygod,ohmygod,ohmygod,ohmygod,ohmygod,ohmygod,ohmygod,OH MY GOD!!!
When I heard the news, my eyes literally welled up…
The Eagles are touring next year!!!
I don’t know why I thought it, because they were touring like mad during the mid-nineties and all, but I suppose I’d assumed I missed out on the chance to see them in concert. I was too late, I thought, considering I wasn’t alive the last time they actually recorded a studio album. But I’m not… They’re recording a new album this or next year, and are starting an 80-DATE TOUR next summer! They’ve got to be playing Phoenix with that number of stops, especially considering how big they are in the Southwest.
It was interesting, too, how I heard. I got in my truck to go get lunch, the radio was on KOOL 94.5, and Peaceful Easy Feeling was playing. I swear that’s the first time I’ve ever heard that song on the radio. Hmm… Wonder if that has some symbolic significance. Anyhow, I immediately started singing along, only to realize the song was on its final round of choruses, and the deejay started talking over the end. “Shut up!” I was thinking, until I heard the news. Then I couldn’t get enough. I wanna know more!
So…
Hear ye, hear ye. As soon as they release the info and the tickets go on sale, I am buying. At least four tickets, hopefully front row unless they’re take-out-a-mortgage priced. But now that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are my favorite group of all time, now that I’ve really come to appreciate, hell even in part live, their music, and now that I’m old enough and willing and able and ready to get myself there if I can’t rely on anyone else to take me… I am going! I am NOT going to pass up on this opportunity! Eagles, baby, Eagles!
Not Turning Your Back On Life
21 November 2002Good for Genelle. Boy, did she have some crap to go through last night. Stuff I’d gotten the feeling a long time ago would rear its head, but didn’t seem to during my stay in her life and as a result I’d nearly forgotten about. Unresolved issues with Mark. And y’know, she’s resolving them, I think. She’s not out of the woods yet, but she’s trying to do so and I think she’s doing a good job. She should realize that, unlike Mark, she IS a strong person. She may have times of weakness, and she may be in a really weird place in her life right now, but more than anyone I’ve known she just pushes right through. And that is strength. That is worth. It’s admirable, even from a distance.
All this got me thinking about my own spot right now, particularly with being pushed out of her life for a while. I think some of the feelings I’ve been having make sense in the terms she was describing last night about Mark, and about Sjoerd and her. I’ve been saying for a while that I sorta have a non-feeling about her, a lack of grasp on how I really feel, just nothingness. I think, maybe that’s because I have deconstructed that facade, that construction of her that I’d created in my mind. Now, I’m not saying I took another look and found a bad person or anything silly like that. But I think I did deconstruct it almost entirely. Back to square one with her. No wonder there’s that feeling of nothingness… I feel like it’s going to take getting to know her all over again. And you know what, doing that from a distance is doing some nice things. It’s helping me see the flaws, the incompatibilities between us. Yet, I still admire her so much, just as before, because she is such a strong, spirited soul.
So, I have deconstructed her. I haven’t blocked her out of my life–she’s still very much on my mind–but I’ve certainly moved past where I was before.
I think the greatest thing I’ve taken from this is (also going back to what she was saying last night) strength. I feel like I’ve really shown my strength here. Maybe she would disagree, I dunno… But despite some hangups, I’ve had a lot of resolve in this situation. Fuck, my eyes have only gotten watery once–and that was before she laid it on me that we need to go our seperate ways. I think I knew it was going to be like that, and I pushed through it. I accepted it. Now, not to say crying is a weakness, because that’s bullshit. Crying is recognizing one’s emotions, and that’s a strength many people overlook. Yet, I just haven’t felt the need to cry. I’ve felt too much resolve. Too much purpose in accepting what, at least in this case, life brought upon me.
It’s funny… I think that strength I’ve seen in her is what’s attracted me most to her since the beginning. That and her ability to bring out my strength. Now, that attraction must’ve flown itself out the window–not to be replaced by repulsion, but by… indifference? that nonfeeling? I don’t know. Regardless, the attraction is at least for now gone, yet I still find so much admiration in her strength. In both our strengths. Hmm.
Well, gotta go to school.
Leap of Faith
20 November 2002Seems I’m *gosh* a good friend, or something… I’ve been the focus of Genelle’s last entry. I hope she doesn’t take offense to the reproduction here, but it’s what’s on my mind, so…
I mean, it’s not that I’d ever started thinking that he really wasn’t, so it’s not a suprise for that reason. I guess it’s a surprise because I simply didn’t know what to think after that weekend. I think I’m starting to get a picture, finally, of what’s been going on when it comes to him. Like I knew the picture was there all along, right in front of me, I saw it, but it was so obscure and so unfocused and so blurry I couldn’t even hope to make sense of it, especially in light of everything else that’s been going on with me and Sjoerd alone…I think I’d decided to just send him my request and take a leap of faith that the picture would clear up eventually and I would have an answer as to why I needed to make that request. And I think it’s starting to clear, just a little bit…
Ah, see… If that was truly a leap of faith, if that’s what that was, then this whole thing is just the best part of us all over again. I think we both knew (one more than the other) that we needed to have some space, and yet we both had faith that it’d work out for the best, whatever that best may be.
No, she’s not ready to talk to me directly yet, and even if she was, I don’t think I’m ready for it. I’m honestly not sure if I’m happy yet with the terms she’s settling on. “Distance friend”, I dunno… Obviously 95% of the time, that’s what we’ll be forced to be, but I’m not keen on limiting it to just that. Hell, that’s really why I started driving, to combat that.
I don’t know. Truthfully I have no idea how I feel about any of this. My radar is blank, no blips or blurs or anything. When I read her update, I felt something positive… But I’m wondering, maybe that’s just a feeling of flattery from the admiration she displayed in her opening sentence: “Gosh, Thom’s such a great friend.” Yes, I think it is. I seriously can’t pick up how I feel about her. And maybe that’s as it should be, I dunno. Maybe since (despite a slight pickup in communication via these journals) we aren’t anything right now, I shouldn’t feel anything. But I don’t know what if anything I’m going to feel when that changes.
And I do look forward to the time that comes when it does change. I may disappoint her, perhaps, I’m not sure… I honestly don’t know what I want of our friendship, and all I know is that I feel I can’t settle for someone else’s needs right now. It’s gotta be mutual, whatever we decide. But I do look forward for when that time comes, because as always, I have faith things will work out.
Uneventful
20 November 2002…day today. Just went to class & worked. Nice & simple.
Sorry to those who are having a bad day. You know I’m here for you if you need, but until you decide otherwise I’m honoring your request.
Yes…
19 November 2002And it seems my journal still gets read as well. ;-) I want you to know I’m cool with things… well, not all things, but things between you and me. Wish you the best. Nice almost-kinda-communicating. =P
A Minor Epiphany
19 November 2002The world is ever-changing. Thus, permanence is not an absence of change, but adaptation to change.
New Song
18 November 2002(Fair warning: this song is obviously hyperbolic of the real situations, so don’t get pissed if you think the song’s about you. Even if it is, it isn’t… get what I mean?)
It feels wrong to blame you and I can’t blame me.
I might as well blame it on the sky or the sea,
But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry I could not be your friend.
I’ll never forget the words you told me that night.
(You said) “If you really care for me, get out of my life.”
Well, now that I’m out, how can I ever care for you again?
It just feels good to be somewhat musically expressive once again. I’ve been getting little bits & pieces of stuff like this lately, and that hasn’t happened in years. Eh, sure it’s a little trite and rough in places, but it’s a start.
Significant Other
18 November 2002Why oh why can’t I find someone? That someone special. I’m so desperately in need to find her. I need her so much right now.
To massage my feet.
=P
Work is fine. Everybody’s more than agreeable, and the work itself is tolerable… But my feet are dying their own slow, torturous deaths! Yes, rightie is in an iron maiden, and leftie is… hmm… on a torture rack? Sure, something like that. Anyhow, they hurt like hell. I seriously do wish I just had someone who’d rub my feet for me. Rub my feet?!?! Yes, I know… They’re big and hairy, and they’re tough and dry, especially due to my skin-gene thing, and after nine hours of working they’re most certainly smelly. I know. So, whoever would actually rub them, must really love me. That is a sure bet.
Hung out with Jeanette, John, Crysti & other company a bit last night. It’s odd how much Crysti and I see eye-to-eye on those societal debates… Rather scary, quite frankly. Anyhow, after Crysti left I got an earful of Mary Kay for a half hour, which did discourage me from lingering… No biggie, though. After that, I went over and hung with Danté & Chad. We went to Mill Ave. for a while, which was cool. I could just have well been hanging out there alone for most of the time though, because I was off in my own world. Danté & Chad are being self-proclaimed “vaginas” about trying to meet girls, yet I found I was about ready to talk to anyone. Not sure why I didn’t… I suppose I was more concerned about getting the two of them to be a little more extroverted for the ladies. How the fuck have I gotten in this situation? Where it’s Danté’s fears and inhibitions holding me back from talking to women, rather than the other way around? Hmm… I think I should most definitely hang out on Mill by myself sometime.
Then again, perhaps the reason I’m so comfortable is that I don’t really care. Yeah, I wanna meet someone… Like I said, I want the foot massages. ;-) But I don’t feel like I must pressure myself to do so, as if it were something I needed. And those parts of me that feel I do need it feel I might have or may soon have it, if I just don’t ask for too much. Ah, I probably shouldn’t feel that way, but once again it’s a laid-back feeling.
Yes, it’s odd… As I was conversing with Danté and Chad last night, I realized something. When I was making those statements of significant-otherness, those simple little comments like “well she and I used to…” or “she always tells me…”, as Danté does with Sarah or Jeanette would with John… I actually am tending to use Erin in that role. Not Genelle, whom I have been hung up on for months and seriously felt notions of permanence and that sort of togetherness. No, with Erin, my friend whom I’ve shared only one (or two) kisses with, whom I’m lucky to talk to once a week, and who I’m totally comfortable and satisfied with being friends. Agh!!! Am I just doing it again? Just trying to create more drama? Complicate a situation that doesn’t need complicated?
Bah… I need to just stop worrying. That will cause as much trouble as anything else. Like I said, it is a laid-back feeling I have. I suppose it’s just natural to be intrigued and attracted in a sort of way to someone who compliments, in many ways mirrors, my thoughts, my beliefs, my background & so forth. Obviously such things aren’t a guarantee of anything, but the intrigue behind it is more than understandable.
Ah, well… I’ve got so much going on as it is now. Work, school, hour drives to see friends… All that is meant to come will come in due time, and avenues I’ve yet to look down will continuously open up for me. Now I just gotta soak my feet.