Archive for January, 2003
Nothin’ Gayer…
31 January 2003…than John Mayer.
Just kidding. Really, I’m glad Dante has let me in on this guy. I’ve been digging his Wonderland song for a few months yet didn’t know who he was. Now I’ve got a better, live version of it and several more of his songs. They’re just so awesome. And I’ve read it elsewhere, and I agree… ‘Wonderland’ is one of the sexiest songs I’ve ever heard, and yet in the sweetest of ways.
Paak the Caa in the Yaad
31 January 2003
Like the new hat?
Not much goin’ on. Been relatively busy past couple of days with work & school, and spending the remainder of the time hangin’ out with Danté. Knee hurts like a bitch, among other body parts… We went and played basketball tonight, and I’m not sure if the pain is from some much needed exercise or some clumsy stumbles or the hard concrete rattling my many-times injured knee. Probably a combination of all of them. But it was fun… I need to get going on the exercise and diet again, stronger than before. My chin’s not looking quite as lovely as it had for a few months, and I’m still not nearly in enough cardiovascular shape. Besides, if’n I wanna be an actor, I need to get cut or something.
Got a couple of books from Amazon about filmmaking. One’s a comprehensive front-to-back on the process, and the other is a sort of quick-reference guide to cinematography, at least a means of getting inspiration for certain shots. I’ve also bought four comics, seven old video games, and this Boston cap… Oh, and books for school. So yeah, I’m pretty much strapped again as usual. Now I must limit myself to low-cost habits like memorizing movie lines again. Case in point, this little number:
Marky, Ricky, Danny, Terry, Mikey, Davey, Timmy, Tommy, Joey, Robby, Johnny, and Brian.
Those are, in order, Will’s list of fictional siblings in Good Will Hunting. Simple pleasures, simple fun, but those are as welcome as time as the deep conversations and connections I’m always seeking. I’ve had a fun couple of days, I’m in a good mood, so things are good.
Day’s End Update
28 January 2003When there’s a soundtrack, there will be this song. I don’t care if it’s fifteen years old by then, we’re using this song.
Or maybe Coldplay will be sellouts by then and they’ll do the entire soundtrack. ;-)
Damn…
27 January 2003And upon reading my own journal I realize how bitchy that last enty was. Jeanette, Dante, G and Sjoerd, even Sarah for acting pretty much just as I’d want a girl to act? What’s up with that. I’m not in a bad mood… Hmm, I think I am just in a mood to cause some ruckus. So do forgive me if I caused too much.
Ha, and listen to what my horoscope for today says: “Capricorn: What are you trying to achieve Cappy? Your aloofness is wearing a little thin. Whose buttons are you trying to push? Behave yourself!”
Today
27 January 2003Hmm… Don’t know why I chose that subject, as there’s nothing really pertinent about today that I’m going to write about. But I decided for some reason that “Today” would be the subject.
Yesterday, I worked open and close, Sundays being short days like that. Had Sandra working with me for six hours, which was cool, she’s enjoyable.
After work, I went down to Jeanette’s as she was having a little party for the Super Bowl. But wouldn’t you know, I got there and the house was barren… No lights on or anything. I tried calling her phone and there was no reply, twice. So I decided to go to Dante’s. Later she ended up calling me back, but I didn’t answer, just let her leave her message. She blew her chance, she flaked out, and ticked me off. She can chill for a while, I’m not going to bother trying to do anything with her, because whenever I do I always have to change my plans.
Anyhow, as I said, I went over to Dante’s. On the way I stopped to get a couple hard lemonades… Figured there’s some sort of rule to watching the Super Bowl and drinking a little. ;-) I stopped at the gas station right on his corner, and the dumb fuck at the counter wouldn’t sell me the drinks. I kept pointing between my license and his little “If you were born after this date” sticker on his register, trying to get him to do the math properly, but the… yes, dumb fuck fits well… the dumb fuck just wouldn’t sell it to me. So I drove down 51st to the Circle K, and they had Mike’s which I would’ve preferred anyhow and they were intelligent enough to figure out I’m 21.
So I got the lemonades and went and watched the rest of the game with Dante. Sarah was there, too. I really enjoyed hanging out with the both of them… Believe it or not, mostly due to circumstance and scheduling I guess, but this was the first time I’d hung out with the both of them since Kendall’s party after HS graduation. It was fun. Sarah’s real laid back, easy & fun to be around. How ’bout them Bucs, eh? I’m not a big football fan, but I’m starting to appreciate the sport, especially when it’s played as they played it last night. More turnovers than one can shake a stick at, and just so perfectly executed, it felt more like a ballet than a ballgame. Sarah left after the game, Dante and I sat around and watched that new talk show, with the guy from The Man Show. Sometime in that time, I’d logged onto the computer and my AIM account. Well, after the show, Dante got on and decided he had to talk to one of my buddies, so I let him chat with wonderwomangoddess. It was a crazy convo, that dude really can be some mix between Howard Stern and Dr. Drew when it comes to getting people to talk about themselves. After a while it did get old, though, especially when Genelle IMed and he wouldn’t wrap up his convo. I guess I got a little flustered then, but I guess I didn’t really have a reason to. Perhaps because Dante doesn’t know when to call it quits sometime, but eh… I don’t care.
Oh, halfway through watching that show, Dante suggested I call up Sears Sarah, so I did. I extended an invite for her to come hang out. Turns out she was already hanging out with other people, but she insisted that she’ll definitely take a raincheck on the offer. I don’t get it. I give her completely mixed signals most of the time, sometimes even enjoying doing so, I told her last night that I’d call her after she got off work and I didn’t, I instead wait until the night is half-over last night, and yet she seems all the more willing to hang out iwth me again sometime. Is this one of those things where I’m just making a challenge, playing hard to get or something? If so, it’s kinda cool. lol
Read (pronounced “red”, thus past tense) G’s journal today and noticed one of the things I’m not so cool on. Namely, when they start talking about the world and saying stuff like “we are the only hope” or something like that. I know them well enough to know that’s assumed as just their perception and so I don’t read it to be quite as egotistical as some might read it, but I still read it as such. Compound that by the focus of my own egotism–that I am going to make some major difference in the world–and you do get problems. These are the points where I start rereading the other stuff they write about and going “pfft.” I don’t speak to cause commotion; rather, I hope this is yet another thing I can talk to G about when we get around to it. But yeah, such narcissism with respect to the world does turn me off from their dreamy love I would and do otherwise admire. “How do you think you can change the world when you place one another so high above it?” is my kneejerk response.
And I’m spent.
State of the Union
25 January 2003I’ve been discussing politics, the world situation a lot lately.
“It’s a shame to think we’re unlikely to ever elect a truly good & honorable leader in this country, because anyone like that is too good & honorable to make a living in politics.”
One of the many points I’ve been making in converation lately. Chiefly with Melanie, one of my oldest chat buddies. (Old as in longest-standing, not elderly.) She doesn’t give herself much credit… She just refers to herself as the “dumb” blonde. I guess it’s because she’s so cooped up, stuck in a rather run-down city not far from DC, and hasn’t really had any opportunity to get out beyond such things. But she’s far from dumb. She might not be very well versed or well-cultured (as if I can talk) but she questions things, serious matters, and that’s more than most people seem to do these days.
So a day or two ago, we got into a discussion… about McDonalds, of all things. That, if I recall, they’re shutting down a lot of McDonalds locations, particularly overseas. And we started talking about, though it’s certainly an icon of our own culture, it’s also representative of a sort of shallow “un-culture” which is infesting other, older, and more meaningful cultures. Around this point, I recommended she read Genelle’s recent essay. (Hope you don’t mind that I shared your journal, G… I don’t do it often, and I thought it could serve a definite purpose to do so in this case.) So we came to agree with many of the same points she made. And again today, we got talking, this time about sex laws. And we came to the points that, while there is a ridiculous amount of legislation set up to control our lives, there is also very little personal accountability these days. Something is done wrong, and rather than own up to responsibility, most people pass the buck on to someone else. Neither is right… The legislation should not be necessary because people should be able to fend for themselves. But people seldom do, and thus we’re burdened with far more rules and regulations than should be necessary–more rules than our government could possibly enforce if it tried.
We don’t know the answers, really… But she sees a brightness in me, and I see it in her as well, if she’ll accept it… and if she’ll keep her head above the water of all that which keeps her down. And I see it in Genelle and Sjoerd, and Dante too, though he seems to exhibit such thoughts on a less personal and more political level… But I see all of these people, and I think maybe the answer is to keep making connections with people like this, and with others who can be like this, and solutions will emerge from inside out, from the bottom up, just as the problem seems to have present itself… like the core falling out of that onion.
Second Day, Skippin’ School
23 January 2003Yeah, I couldn’t get up early enough so I just said to hell with it. I’ve gotta start going to bed at like 10:00 on nights before I have class. Anyhow, thought I’d reflect on some of Genelle’s responses to an e-mail I’d written earlier in the week, after our big conversation. I must say I was tired and overwhelmed at the point I’d written the e-mail, so I don’t really remember what I said. But, she took it well, so it must’ve been things that I knew needed to be said or asked or something.
“I question if you remember any of these things we offered each other, I question if they can be better realized now that we have stripped overtones of romance, or if I imagined them as well, and if there is still any truth to them.”
All right, all right, I concede, I wondered if, maybe in the back of my mind, someday would ring true for him and I. So no those weren’t imagined. Is there still truth to them? Only in that they existed in the past. The time I spent with him that weekend made me understand, there were no romantic feelings for him, none, and there would not be. I had felt it from the beginning, but still there was wonder. For whatever reason, that weekend the wonder was removed. I for one felt better for it, although at the time it threw me for quite a curve, scared me.
So many things happened that weekend, in so many ways, so many levels, yeah I got freaked out, reacted as best I knew how, and though I know my choices did him some damage, I know also the potential of my alternate choices…I still stand wholeheartedly by what I did choose, and know it was the best choice for me to make as I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. At least forgiveness can be wrought; strong people can forgive strong things.
…I say for whatever reason, but I know why…I fell in love, that weekend, into a love the likes of which I had never even dreamed could exist. And I’ve had big dreams, all my life, for love.
Hmm… I think I’d phrased that question awkwardly, and got a different answer than I was trying to get, but perhaps one I wanted more. I think she interpreted that I was still asking about those romantic things, when I was actually referring more to the… arrangement between us. The metaphor of staying on my couch in the future. Things it seems we still offer to each other, but for some reason, after our conversation, I was in doubt as to whether there was sincerity to those offers at this point. I don’t doubt them now, in my right mind… I guess it just feels like we are (or at least I am) still up in the air as to whether or not we will be able to provide those things for each other. But time will tell. I was in an impatient mood, I think… You know, where you want all the answers right now.
But look at the question she did answer… Ah, you know, it is a relief for some reason, for her to admit she had that wonder, that dream about us as well. I feel like she’s forgotten so much of that, and I consider it a shame… not that we’re anywhere near those things now, but just because they’re among the things that have brought us where we are. Yeah, a lot happened that weekend. I don’t blame her for choosing what she did, in part because of realizations I had in out time apart. No, we couldn’t provide those dreams for each other… In part, because they’re different dreams. Were we to have tried, what I would want, she could not provide except at the expense of her own dreams. So yeah, no fault.
But I do feel like, with her choice, she’s pushed past truths too far away. It reminds me of The Magician’s Nephew, part of the Narnia series by C.S. Lewis. When the uncle travels into Narnia, and experiences Aslan and the other creatures, he insists that the animals cannot really speak. He insists in the impossibility so strongly that he actually alters his perception, rendering him incapable of ever hearing the animals’ speech again. I don’t know how that pertains to this situation really, it’s a parallel that’s been sitting in my mind for a while. I guess I’m just saddened by the thought that such beautiful things between myself and Genelle in those early months have been all but forgotten. She remembers August 11, but seems to have lost so much of the context. I suppose it is simply up to me to remember it, as those times were as meaningful for me as that single night was to her. Those were the times I found the ability to dream, unhindered, uninhibited. I was ready to be Paul & Kathy from “America”. That’s something I don’t want to lose track of, something I want to keep and use for myself, and/or hold on to until I find my own Kathy.
“We, through our different perspectives, our different roles, can reinforce each other’s faith in humanity. You, by challenging me and bringing back to me your experiences, and me by taking the challenges, by being willing to ask or be asked the hard questions, and by providing… I still believe… some form of security throughout and behind every experience you seek.”
Why does he ask what he knows…but I know why, and I have great patience for it, great understanding, great admiration. Why, for the same reasons I care so much about him, about his perspective, his answers to my questions, his feedback to my musings…just as I with Sjoerd, I made promises to Sjoerd in a young and foolish age as he did to me, we promised the world when we didn’t have any idea what the world held, holds, in store for us. Still we made the promises, still we will keep them. Always. I do not doubt permanence anymore. It is quite an accomplishment for me. And god knows I’ve had to fight for it.
Ah, so comforting to hear. And yet, with what more of the world I’ve seen in that time, I would still offer those same things… I will always offer to anyone who would accept, I will offer the world, regardless of what the world holds, just in spite of what the world holds. Maybe that’s what she admires me for, or maybe it’s something she still didn’t quite understand from me.
“I question if you remember any of these things we offered each other…”
Doesn’t he know…doesn’t he know, doesn’t he see…the many significant facets of that night? The symbolicisms, the foreshadowing, the resonating truths…he says he questions…I don’t believe that he does, not truly. On the surface, perhaps, on the surface it may well be true that he questions, and that he questions frequently…but in his heart, I don’t believe that he does.
I see myself as having just begun my life, just over 5 months ago. Ha, how could he question if I remember, how could I ever forget? Life was nothing before that late summer night, that wretched night, that holy night…life did not exist, life was a vacuum…The worst night of my life, easily, I had to be broken down, had to hit rock bottom, had to know what it was to sit on the ground and see nothing in life before I could know what it was to fly…and to see so much in life that I question everything, my sanity, my perception, my reality…
Worse circumstances may, and probably will, come my way — but it will never be worse than that night, never, no matter what happens. You can never lose your ability to see once your eyes have been opened. Your gift of flight can never be fully stolen away, by life, by scared people, by dire circumstance, never, if you have already sat on the ground, in a place where you see nothing, feel nothing, and then were taught to soar.
Thom taught me to fly.
Do I remember any of the things we offered each other? How could I ever forget?
Perhaps that is my problem… She doesn’t realize how much I learned to fly in those days as well. And no, one doesn’t forget such things… Sometimes I think it would be easier; I wouldn’t come back to such questions and doubts if I could simply forget–which, of course I wouldn’t really want to do. But I feel like I’m still mending a wounded wing. Perhaps I did teach her to fly that night in August, but she didn’t truly take flight until an early November day. And that is the same day that has kept me pretty much grounded since then.
Sigh, I write this afraid that it seems like no progress has been made in reconciling, making up, finding a place in each other’s lives again, and most of all for me, healing. But I know there has been progress. We are not afraid to discuss such things anymore, as we were for a while… Afraid, me at least, of one of us saying the wrong thing and making things worse. No, we’re open again, and I think that will help. And the simple passage of time, as well, will help.
I think it rests with my script. Day’s End. I know I’ve chosen this ending for a reason. The main character, Alex, cannot admit defeat as I’d originally intended him to. He is too strong to give up. In the end, Alex is going to follow his dreams… and it’s no coincidence that I represent those dreams in a very Simon & Garfunkel-ish experience, boarding a Greyhound and looking for America. But that’s not what I have to do to follow my dreams. Writing the story, I believe, is my own realization of those dreams.
Dante reminds me that my plan for this story dates much further back than last summer. Yes, this is a story I’ve had in mind long before Genelle played an important part of my life. But changes have been in order since those times, and–believe it or not–what remains of my original story fits amazingly with what happened between us. That only confirms my decisions, because for life experience and a planned work of fiction to follow each other so closely, there must be some universality to my tale. There must be some truth which will resonate.
Dante asks, “Do you have to base everything on a two months of your life?” I say, a few months can be a lifetime within themselves, and what should we write about if not about life?
Yay!
22 January 2003Thank God for Green Day, or somethin’… Got two or three more pages written. Bathtime, to think about the next scenes, and then more writing hopefully.
Ooh…
22 January 2003Perhaps some good ol’ Green Day can cure me.
My mind is set on overdrive
The clock is laughing in my face
A crooked spine
My sense dulled
Passed the point of delerium
On my own, here we go!
Damn…
22 January 2003I want to write, I’ve got it in my head to, but I just feel so damn tired. And I slept like 14 hours last night. Maybe I slept too much, yes perhaps that’s it. *yawn* I must kick this yawning and sleepy thing.