Archive for September, 2004
Fire in the Sky
27 September 2004Well, I’ve just taken a small step for Thom and a giant leap for web technology. I’ve decided to migrate to Mozilla technology for internet (Firefox) and e-mail (Thunderbird). I’d tried the Mozilla suite some time ago and wasn’t too impressed, but their new software is so robust and flexible… It’s really handy for “power users” (or anyone who checks the same five sites when they log on) and it’s much more secure than IE. What’s interesting is, somewhere deep down in there, this software is based on (or took its roots from) the old Netscape browser.
But, that’s enough geeking out for one night. I’ll save further geeking for later, which I’m sure I’ll make use of, as I’m designing a new website.
Interesting…
25 September 2004You know, I’ve been a little, hmm, aggrivated recently, because the opportunity for Genelle and I to explore our renewed friendship has been preempted. Mostly by my own things, I’d say–work hours that forbid late-night convos, web sites, personal business ventures, and even a bit of my own stubbornness and reservation–but some of Genelle’s, too. At first I expected this Dave situation to be another such “distraction”, for lack of a better word, but in fact, her journal entry reflecting on her long convo with him last night has sparked some amount of contemplation in me. About where *I am* mostly, which will certainly affect wherever our friendship is.
This line really hit me most, for some reason: “You can’t live for others, Genelle, it’s counter-productive.” Those are the counter-arguments she hears about the way she lives her life. I hope and expect I’m not considered among the members of that imaginary panel audience, because I very much believe that there’s nothing better or more important than living for others. I’ve believed that for a long time. But I realized, that’s not exactly how I’m living my life right now. I’m living for myself more than anyone else. I’ve realized this to varying degrees before, but this time it feels more revelatory.
It also brought me back to something I wrote for Day’s End, the farewell note:
“Dear Bethany,
Maybe I don’t make a difference every day. Some days I know I don’t. But in our time together, if I’ve learned anything from you, it’s that there’s always the next day. There’s always tomorrow. Well, this is a new day, this is my tomorrow. I’m taking it for myself, and quite a few days beyond it.
I’m going to experience all those things we dreamed of. I had wished we would experience them together, but I realize these dreams are my own. Thank you, though, for reminding me how to dream. Thank you for teaching me how to fly.
Love Always,
Alex”
It’s kind of interesting… While I’ve tried to separate fantasy from reality as much as possible with that pet project of mine, this letter was the definite exception. Allowing for the context of the movie, this was always my personal tribute and thank-you to Genelle for the difference she made in my life. Well, I haven’t forgotten that difference, but I think I forgot the particular significance of that thank you. The “taking this day for my self”, following dreams stuff wasn’t just for a sappy/happy movie script ending. It’s really what I’ve done.
I’m still taking “me time”, really. And whereas before, like right when Genelle and I started to get close two years ago, I would feel guilty about not allocating my entire existence to serve other people, I’m oddly comfortable now. It’s still a little disorienting, as I was used to that mindset for so long, but it’s alright. I don’t think it’ll always be my day, forever more. (Though I didn’t expect it to last as long as it has.) Honestly, I feel like I’m “positioning” myself now to be much, much better equipped to uplift and enspire people and to encourage deeper thinking and feeling in the future. That’s what I feel I can do with my filmmaking, and I just know it’ll never happen if I invest all of my time now into working with other people, one-on-one, just for the sake of doing so. I know I waste too much time tending to other distractions as it is.
So all this leads me to all sorts of implications as to where Genelle and I fit. I definitely don’t consider our friendship “wasted time” by any means, as it’s never “just because”, but because I damn well want to be in her life, and I know I’ll continue to learn from her. But at the same time, I don’t think I can make myself as available as… well, not “patient” but present or acceptable as she may still expect me to be. I suppose there’s a chance she may resent that, but more significantly (my gut tells me) it’s gonna be a bit of a challenge for us and that may be a good thing. She talks about being frustrated with Sjoerd because so much is assumed there and there’s nothing pushing or motivating her. There are definitely obstacles to overcome, and I think that’ll be healthy for the friendship, especially as we’re better equipped to deal with it than we were (to disastrous effect) two years ago.
I’m afraid a lot of these might be partial thoughts, and I hate having to write this while juggling calls at work, but I knew it was gonna flow out regardless and it seems it has. Haven’t had such a stream-of-consciousness post in a long time, fun to have ‘em back.
Wonderful World
21 September 2004Today was kinda depressing… Not because of anything personal or directly related to my own life. Just people in general. The whole fucking world. The way people deal with one another. I hate getting bummed out about shit like that.
I mean, is it just me or do people just seem… worse than they used to be? More intolerant, more arrogant… Angrier. Everybody’s fucking pissed about something and they won’t accept any answer but their own. Anything to dispute it is automatically discounted. It’s like we’re moving backwards… I thought we’d been progressing for a few hundred years or so. Abolition, suffrage, sexual liberation, all these movements to become more accepting of one another. Are we simply incapable of maintaining such things?
Now everybody hates everybody, and it’s usually mutual. And the reasons for hating are so arbitrary. “Oh, you’re American, you’re just an ignorant, uneducated fool.” “Oh, you’re French. You’re just an arrogant pussy.” Christians hate gays. Gays hate Christians. Liberals hate Conservatives, vice versa. I just don’t understand that sort of mentality. Really, it’s beyond comprehension. It’s hard for me to trust people sometimes but I’m still always willing to offer the benefit of the doubt, to grant extra chances. NEVER to hate someone. God. And of course, because I try to be reasonable and reserved about taking any sides, I just get fucking railroaded from all directions.
*sigh* It’s exhausting. I’m really physically drained from thinking about all this shit. I don’t know how others consume themselves with it… They must not care as much about what they yell and bitch and moan about as I do. I think I need a nap.
Tedium
14 September 2004Man, I really need to get some sleep. I’m still messed up from the trip to Salt Lake. I feel like Ed Norton’s character in Fight Club, talking about insomnia… “You’re never really asleep, and you’re never really awake.”
So I’m probably just gonna come home and snooze first chance I get, and I’ll get up a bit later and do some other things I need to do.
I need to write a journal entry. I guess that’s what I’m doing now, but I dunno if I’ll be able to cover everything. But it’s been a week to talk about, between four days in Salt Lake, plenty of inspiration both business and personal, first-time-in-ages plane rides, and more. Certainly the sudden improvement in terms with Genelle (from okay to “Well, shucks!” as I’d describe it) deserves contemplation as well, but that doesn’t feel like something I can process until I get a few questions answered. :P
So, what then? I’m at work; I should be able to get some of these things covered. First of all, there is work itself. Work sucks. I guess I can’t really complain, it’s not hard work… But the sense of tedium is glaring. I’m always trying to look forword with my other pursuits (film, the site, new business) but it’s counter productive to answer the same questions and fill out the same bug reports day in, day out. I just need to get Synergy going fast so I can retire. :D I only half-joke… If I can create *any* amount of success, it should easily be enough to match my piddly-wink income.
So I guess that leads into the reason I went to SLC. I’m signed up (along with most of my extended family) in a new company called Synergy Worldwide–yes, a “network” or multi-level marketing company, but one that delivers some of the most unbelievable nutrition and wellness products on the planet. While I was very skeptical about the company and the structure and of MLMs in general, and though most know how prone I am to anti-capitalist rants, one of the things I was amazed to discover on this trip is how exemplary this company is.
It’s still a fledgling company by most standards, but already they’re making commitments to charity, to programs like Teammates for Kids. How many companies do that sort of thing for anything other than good press? Synergy, I guess, because this is about as close as it gets to some sort of coverage. But it’s obvious for other reasons that Synergy isn’t a typical company. It’s not a company ruled by emotion, I wouldn’t say… It’s pretty smartly designed. But everyone involved–the founders, the leaders, they’re all driven out of their love and desire to support family, and the desire not to syphon success from others, but to share it with them.
The people involved are real people, not suits without souls. You’d expect some attitude to accompany the heirarchy and structure in a company like this but it’s just the opposite… Everyone’s personable and approachable. I walked right up and spoke with the president of the company (who’s also coming down here to run a meeting in two weeks!). Many of the top people, the president included, choked up during some of their presentations, touched by being able to make a positive difference in others’ lives. It’s amazing… It almost feels like a big family. Some network marketing companies are probably pretty shady, I would guess, but this company is capitalism at its most idealistic–everyone thirsty for opportunity but unwilling to “stick it” to anyone else in the process.
But, sheesh, enough gushing about that. A cool thing about the convention is that we had about 300-500 distributors here from Japan, Thailand, Taiwan, Singapore, Korea, and Australia. So, in a lot of ways, it was even a cultural experience. We’re hoping to open up in South/Latin America soon, and there were people there originally from Russia, Romania, and elsewhere in Europe too who were hopeful to bring the company back with them. (Unfortunately the latter may be problematic due to some European restrictions on business and trade.) This in itself is inspiring. I don’t think it’s news that I’ve started to catch the travel bug, the desire to see places, and it’s great to think I could have such opportunities in this business. Or at very least, I could get in better shape, get a little success with it, and return next year (Vegas, baby!) to pick up on hottie asian chicks. (Readers: one of you can roll your eyes; the other can gush with me at the thought.)
Anyhow, obvious and sloppy segway to the next topic: getting fit. Kaleena is signing back up for the gym this weekend and we’re gonna go at least four days a week. Three days, it turns out, is not often enough to condition the heart… We’ve gotta do that, and getting the heart in shape will make it easier to get the rest of us in shape. Benefits are obvious: health, good self image, pants that aren’t a half size too tight, and more to offer in the dating scene… well, that last one for me at least.
Agh! Tedium again. Only a half hour left of work, but I’m sleepy and grumpy (like the dwarves) so I’m gonna cut myself off, take an Excedrin, and veg out for the remainder. To be continued…
How YOU Doin’?
10 September 2004Confidence is high… Repeat: Confidence is high…
Hey all, and by that I mean all two or three of you who read this. I’m up in SLC at a conference, through the weekend. Sorry if I forgot to tell you. But anyhow, it’s going great. It’s for a company I’m involved with that offers some amazing health & wellness products. (You can get involved too, just ask me about it. End shameless plug.) Gears are turning and I’ve got some great ideas as to how I can get going with my own part of the business. Also I’ve learned about a weight-loss/fitness plan that really sounds practical and scientifically sound AND ENCOURAGES three snacks a day. Yum.
But anyhow, the reason I ran upstairs to write an entry… Something happened tonight that doesn’t usually happen to me, and something I haven’t tried to make happen, much at all but especially in the past year or so. I was sitting outside, talking to some people, and the most gorgeous woman in the world walked by. Ok, maybe not MOST gorgeous, but pretty damn good… She kinda had all the good features of Cameran Diaz and none of the bad. Anyhow, I probably wouldn’t have noticed her, except that as she passed my field of vision, I noticed she was looking at me. When that does happen–with anyone–I normally assume there’s someone sitting or standing behind me and I’m a fool if I don’t realize. If I DO give a curious glance back, usually I’m afraid of giving off some creepy stalker vibe, so I shy away quickly. Well, I started to do the same tonight, but I figured, what the hell… I’m sitting against a wall, she must be looking at me. So I give her a nod and a good look back. And she throws back the most GORGEOUS smile, so I do the same and her smile gets even bigger. She continued her walk past… I’ll probably never see her again, but my GOD… what a moment of sheer bliss. We shall call it an accidental act of confidence. But I might just try and repeat it some more. Mmm…
Stay tuned. Hopefully there will be plenty more to write home about on this trip–if not about gorgeous women, at least about some amazing, life-changing products and opportunities.
P.S. Got to the hotel room earlier long enough to watch Joey. Pleasantly surprised. Hope to see it keep going, though it’s almost a sure bet I’d say.
My Brush with the Second Amendment
1 September 2004I’ll admit it. Gun rights are one of a few issues for which I lean very conservatively. But this isn’t because I’m a gun nut, it’s because I believe the Bill of Rights was a well-crafted and timeless piece of legislation, and they must’ve had good reason to include this:
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
I find it interesting that both sides seem to neglect that the whole point of the second amendment wasn’t to allow hunters to hunt, or families to protect themselves from random crime, but in fact, to ensure a defense against tyranny. It makes me wonder if liberals, many of whom are now calling Bush a tyrant and a fascist, might oughtta rethink their typically pro-gun-control stance. Personally, I think a regulated militia (regulated being the operative word) isn’t a bad idea… A bunch of former vets and off-duty cops would probably be willing and able to pick up the slack where agencies like INS and DEA trail off.
But in reality, I’ve never felt gun ownership was a practical part of life, not to me anyway. In fact, every time I’ve gone camping in the past few years, I’ve gotten in an argument with my father–practically a one-issue voter concerning gun rights–who would insist that I pack a revolver for protection, “just in case”. The added hassle and bulk of a handgun wasn’t worth it to me… I was of the mind that I’d rather risk death than ruin the simple pleasures of a weekend outdoors with a bunch of worry and suspicion.
I learned on my last outing that such feelings can’t always be avoided… After lights out, a troupe of drunken hikers took a liking to our campsite, rummaging around. I wrestled in my head to find a way that I could fend them off with a sheath knife, were they to unzip the tent. Fortunately, they were only concerned with looting, and not terribly concerned at that. But lesson learned: an optimistic attitude alone isn’t enough to thwart trouble.
Still, there’s a world of difference, so I thought, between protecting yourself in the middle of nowhere and protecting yourself in a house with deadbolts and window locks and a brick wall around the back yard. A house with 911 service and a police/fire substation less than a half-mile away. So I thought.
Until last night, when the dog started barking. Let me explain… My family’s always had great luck with dogs. We had a similar experience with our last dog, who’s only real incident of fervent barking occurred after an eight-point buck ran into the back wall of our house. But our new dog barks even less… she NEVER barks, not at solicitors, cats, other dogs… Never. So when she went off like a fire alarm, I was concerned. When I peeked out my bedroom to see her barking towards the back yard, I was a little more concerned. Likely we’d left the back door cracked so she can come in and out as she needs, so I knew anyone or anything else could come in, too.
I was actually a bit too afraid to duck out of my room for a few seconds, but I mustered my guts and snuck down the hallway. I alerted my mom, sleeping, to the dog’s reaction. Then I turned to the wall, remembered my dad’s gun cabinet, and picked out a rifle. I walked back down the hall and cocked the lever–even though I knew the gun was unloaded. If there actually was an intruder in the house or yard, I wanted him to hear the action slide down and click back… It’s an intimidating sound. Just then, I felt something for the first time. I felt something that I imagine many gun-owning parents, spouses, and people have felt to make them believe in their rights. Something my father has probably felt a time or two, when I was too young to defend myself. Something that, unless you’ve been in such a situation, you might consider to be a bit nutty–even I did. But I felt control. Nothing oppressive about it, nothing paranoid about it. Just plain & simple, control to protect the people I loved.
I made it to the back door and the yard, and by that time, whoever or whatever had been there was gone. Because of the gun? Probably not… More likely from the dog barking. And if it was someone with malicious intent, thank goodness for the dog, but if the barking hadn’t deterred them, I would’ve given them a second chance to reconsider.
An intruder, a trespasser wouldn’t know that my dog’s bark is worse than its bite. Likewise, they wouldn’t know by the sight of a gun or the sound of it cocking that the wost I’d have had to offer was a well-placed swing of the rifle stock. And they don’t need to know it… It’s human nature to err on the side of caution when your life may be at risk. That’s why people want to keep their right to bear arms, not to live in fear, but to be equpped to face fear, to face a threat, when it comes along.
Someone who understands how a gun works, who respects and acknowledges its power for good and evil, and who learns to handle and store a gun properly, knows enough to keep themselves from being made a victim. They know what they can do, how they can act to protect their familiy–sometimes, without ever loading the chamber. And they should have the right to protect themselves… That’s why the second amendment is still relevant.
And guns DON’T kill people? Wait, what about those accidental deaths? Or those cases where kids picked up guns on the way to school and created havoc? What killed those people? Ignorance and irresponsibility, the same two culprits behind drunk-driving deaths, behind accidental drownings, behind deaths caused from second-hand smoke. Find a way to ban those ignorance, to ban recklessness, and you’ll save many more lives than you ever would by banning guns.
Thus endeth this rant. :-P