Archive for October, 2004
What is the boiling point of brain?
19 October 2004Ugh! Work sucked horrific ass today. For about six hours today I think
we got 30-60 calls an hour… Definitely a call every 90 seconds. None
of them have been particularly difficult or confusing, and only one of
them was negative but the sheer volume has been extreme. I mean, midway
through Reba’s lunch I got done taking off 9 voicemails, and by the time
I’d left them return messages there were 12 more voicemails to take off.
Arrrrgh!
So as my head feels like it’s going to explode, I’m probably going to go
home and crash. G’nite. :)
I’m told I don’t write in here enough…
17 October 2004…but there’s usually not much to write about. Thank you, Kaleena, for this one. :-P
Went with her over to her friend’s boyfriend’s apartment last night to drink… Man, a party like I haven’t had for a while. Actually, probably one of the rowdier ones I’ve ever been to. I’ve come to the conclusion that I somehow end up with a lot of–shall we say “progressive”–friends? Danté was a horndog, Jeanette was a little sex-crazed, at least to whom she chose to be, and, of course, I commonly and affectionately refer to Kaleena as my nympo ex. She is married, and as far as I’m aware (I don’t pry too terribly much and feel a little presumptuous speculating) it isn’t an “open” marriage per say. However, there are certain perks they allow one another, and I ended up playing spectator to a few of the perks. I won’t go into specifics, but I’ll just quote a line from a favorite movie of mine (Chasing Amy) and leave things to interpretation: “When are we going to see this kind of shit live without paying for it?”
It was usually frustrating to party with Danté and Jeanette, but mostly because of my own feelings for Jeanette and the fact that they’d invariably end up in a locked bedroom. Figured it would be awkward to be in such a situation with my ex and best friend and several relative strangers, but it wasn’t really. In a sense, I didn’t have a horse in any race, so I kinda got to see everything else happen around me, like a fly on the wall. Actually made sense to some of those old parties with old friends, how feelings get thrown around and how reactions and judgements are changed by alcohol (in a sense of understanding that you can’t get from after-school specials).
Anyhow, aside from all the hanky-panky going on, I met some cool people too. Bruce, the nextdoor neighbor, is half-apache and a cowboy action shooter (like my dad). I told him about Goldfield a bit and he liked the sound of it… If I need someone to play the role of Oral, I could probably get him to do it. Chris was a computer geek so I had some embarrassingly nerdy conversation with him, and he and his roommate Brandon are also musically inclined so we were treated to some Sublime or 311 covers, I believe. I got ahold of the guitar later and went through what I could remember of my repertoire (after a bigass screwdriver and a few other drinks), but I don’t think anyone was listening at that point anyhow. :-P
At a point in the night while most everyone was taking a break from the bizarre-ness, Kaleena and I got to talking a bit. She opened up to me some of the things that have been bothering her a lot. I could tell she’s been not quite herself lately and I was glad to help her unload a bit. Not even sure if she remembers that point in the night ;-) but I hope she can keep such candid lines of communication open, perhaps without all the alcohol, as long as things are still seriously draining on her.
Well, not much else to talk about. We did just go see Team America tonight… Extremely vulgar but hilarious and surprisingly insightful to all of our stupid-ass behavior concerning politics and terrorism. It’s an equal opportunity offender–if you’re a blind devotee to one side or another you might hate it. If you think everyone’s got their share of stupid thoughts, you should love it. All I can say is “Dicks fuck assholes”… Look into it.
From the other day…
9 October 2004Strange… I responded to this survey at work and thought I pasted it in via Semagic later that night, but it’s nowhere to be found. Oh well, here goes:
- - - - -
(I do these every chance I get, by the way.)
1. Spell your first name backwards: mohT, ymmoT, samohT… But never moT.
2. The story behind your username: Terribly original. On AIM, it’s simply
my name. On Livejournal, it’s the name of my once and future website.
3. Where do you live? What was it, B.F.E.? East Mesa, Arizona. Yes, with
my parents.
4. Your words that sum you up: honest, introspective, moderate,
compassionate, but sometimes conflicted.
DESCRIBE YOUR:
5. Wallet: Bifold leather wallet, nothing special. Driver’s license, bank
card, a couple maxed out credit cards, a few receipts, and my Eagle Scout
card.
6. Jewelry worn daily: My watch, but it’s hardly jewelry. In fact when I
bought it a month or so ago, I bought it specfically to be function and
not at all flashy. Leather band & earthtone face to represent my love of
nature.
7. Coffee cup: Don’t have one. Borrow one of my dad’s when I have milk &
cookies.
9. Cologne/perfume: Nothing unless I’m dressing up for an occasion. Not
even deodorant. Seen too much evidence that it’s linked to cancer.
Fortunately I seem to mostly perspire through my forehead. :P
10. CD in stereo right now: An MP3 CD, either of Eagles/Simon &
Garfunkel/Wallflowers/et al. or of Metallica (if my brother swapped it
out).
11. Clothes that you’re wearing now: My blue Synergy Worldwide shirt…
Represent! Khakis and my old brown shoes.
12. Some of your favorite movies: Le Fabuleux Destin d’Amélie Poulain!
(Just kidding, I call it Amélie.) Good Will Hunting, Saving Private Ryan,
Chasing Amy, Fight Club.
13. Something you’re looking forward to in the next couple of months:
(Hopefully) getting the ball rolling on my business venture, make some
money from it, and buy a video camera.
14. The last thing you ate: I don’t particularly remember. Leftover
chicken strips last night, I think. I’ll be heading to either Wendy’s or
a sub shop in the next few minutes.
15. Something that you are deathly afraid of: Heights (but not flights),
bees and other flying bugs (they mess with my depth perception). Snakes
but for good reason–I had a close call with a rattler. I used to have a
terrible fear of tornadoes and storms, but that’s evolved into a sort of
morbid curiosity.
DO YOU:
16. Believe in love: Definitely, and it exists in many forms.
17. Believe in soul mates: Soulmates? I think their easier to find than
most realize. As for a “one true love”, maybe, maybe not, but I don’t
know if it has to be like that.
18. Believe in love at first sight: “Sight” is a misleading phrase. First
sight only accounts for attraction or lust. But it’s definitely possible
to feel a connection when you first meet someone. And sometimes it’s
there and you never notice it.
19. Believe in forgiveness: Absolutely! To err is human, but forgiveness
is divine.
20. Smoke: Nope.
21. Do drugs: Nope.
22. Sleep with stuffed animals: Nope. I do have a couple of them in my
room though: Scooby Doo and Curious George, arranged in a position that
is itself… curious. :P
23. Read the newspaper: Rarely. I have about five different news sources
(including Google News) that I check regularly. They all just reprint AP
articles anyhow.
24. Believe in miracles: Certainly, but I think it’s up to us to *make*
them happen, rather than just wait for them to happen.
25. Believe it’s possible to remain faithful forever: Heck yeah. Been
looking for someone to take me up on that for years. But I’ll take a
raincheck on it at this exact moment.
26. Like the taste of alcohol: Nope, and in fact, I’m finding that I’m
losing the will to get drunk.
27. Believe in God: Yes. Does he have a particular name? No. Does one
religion “know” him better than any others? I don’t think so. I’m
agnostic in every sense of the word short of questioning his existence.
28. Have any secrets: I try to be tactful but keep no secrets. My life
is an open book.
29. Have any pets: Share an adorable dog Phoebe with the rest of my family.
30. Go or plan to go to college: Gone, and plan to go again. Didn’t like
it the first time, but my heart wasn’t in it.
31. Have any piercings: Nope.
>>32. Have any tattoos: Nope. For some reason I find body art (within
reason) attractive on others but it’s just not “me”.
33. Hate yourself: No, I like myself mostly. Sometimes I feel sorry for
myself, but I just call myself moody and get over it. :P
34. Trust others easily: I always give the benefit of the doubt, which may
or may not last long. Honest-to-goodness trust? Takes a lot of time.
38. If you could have any animal for a pet, what would you pick: I’ve
always had an affinity for wolves. Perhaps a wolf or a wolf-dog. I’ve
already had a dog that was 1/4 wolf, so I can’t complain.
39. What are 3 places you wouldn’t mind going to: France, Russia, Japan,
but others after those.
40. What’s something you want more than anything: To affect people, to
change people’s lives. Either to give them hope or make them aware of
things around them (but hopefully both).
41. Anyone you miss that you haven’t seen in a while: I’d like to get back
in touch with old friends from high school (both here and in KY) but I
don’t terribly miss them. I’ve held on to the few people I feel I need in
life.
42. Are you sarcastic: I’d say I’m more facetious. Self-deprecating,
too. But it’s always done with a wink and a nudge.
43. Last thing you read: Working on someone’s France journal. :P Usually
either histories or how-to manuals. (And science mags/journals.)
44. Best book you’ve read: Loved “Grapes of Wrath” when I read it, but I
think I’ve been more deeply affected by Heart of Darkness and the
Stranger. And I love Hemingway but can’t stand to read his books… Does
that make ANY sense?
45. Last movie you saw on the big screen: Ladder 49. Before that, Sean
of the Dead… excellent!!!!
46. Your favorite moment: I’ve got a few, but most of them involve
campfires and looking up at the stars. It’s a common motif in my life.
:P
47. Things that most people don’t know about you: Tough question. I
suppose some might think I’m not very sexually driven, when it probably
crosses my mind as often as the statistically average guy (i.e. all the
time). I just rarely ever act on it, because there are far more important
things that always preempt it. Is that something people don’t know?
48. What you think is the biggest turn on: Physically? The small of a
woman’s back (how’s that for strange) or a great smile. In general?
Amazing conversations and (especially) comfortable silences. If I can be
with someone so quietly as to hear a pen drop and feel at ease, it’s all I
can do to keep myself from scooping her up and kissing her right there. I
guess it’s those awkward moments that keep me safe then? :P
49. What you think is the biggest turn off: arrogance, narcissism,
manipulative behavior. Physically, I mostly don’t like it when their
appearance doesn’t match their personality. If you’re chubby and shy,
don’t dress like a slut. If you’re a bitch, don’t dress so frickin’ cute.
50. Last phone number you called: (Not counting helpdesk calls at
work…) Looks like the last person I called on my cell was Kaleena. I’m
sure I’ve called my mother since then.
51. Last show you watched on TV: Smallville, last night. Rarely do I
watch anything other than Friends or the news.
52. Last song you heard: Metallica, something off S&M… “Call of Ktulu”
or “Of Wolf and Man”, I think.
53. Last thing you had to drink: Drinkin’ Dr. Pepper right now. Last
drink-drink was a mudslide last week, but I barely drank any of it.
When’s the Last time you:
54. Cried: Not sure, actually. Probably over a movie. I barely even made
it out of Ladder 49 unscathed. :P
55. Bought something: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which I’ve
yet to watch.
56. Gotten sick: I’ve been fighting something for a couple months now that
I can’t quite get over. Usually just a cough though.
57. Sang: Last night, singing along to Aladdin. :D
58. Ate: About 90 minutes ago. I did choose to go with the sub shop, by
the way.
59. Felt stupid: Not sure. I feel clutzy every day… I’m always
dropping something at work.
60. Wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn’t: This weekend. It’s
so easy for the word “love” to get misconstrued (and lord knows I’m bad
about it)… Otherwise it’s something everyone needs to hear every day,
and I’d be glad to say it.
61. Met someone new: “Meet” people? How do you do that? :P I meet
people at work and with Synergy all the time. But in the traditional
friend/acquaintence sense, it’s been a while.
62. Moved on: In the romantic/dating sense or in general? Jeanette,
Sarah or Erin if the former, Dante if the latter.
63. Talked to an ex: Nearly every day. Kaleena all the time… and I
count you, Genelle. :P Considering how little I’ve subscribed to labels,
it’s a grey area as to who counts as an “ex”, but I guess I count anyone
with whom I was significantly more romantic or physical with than I am
now.
64. Missed anyone more than anything: Long time.
66. Had a serious Talk with someone: Last night with the aforementioned
Genelle.
67. Missed someone: Whoever wrote this survey must’ve been separated from
a loved one, because they keep dwelling on this.
68. Hugged someone: Sometime in the past couple of weeks with Kaleena.
She’s huggy, I always love that.
69. Fought with your parents: It’s been a while since it’s been anything
serious. We’re pretty cantankerous but it’s usually playful.
70. Dreamed about someone you can’t be with: Happens a lot when you remain
best friends with all of your exes. Both daydreaming and in the
sleep-cycle sense. But you just chalk it up to idle thoughts.
SOCIAL LIFE:
71. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Nope.
72. Hobbies: Anything to do with movies. Waxing philosophical, writing,
chatting, watching Friends and Joey, playing guitar (though not so much
lately). Love camping and leisurely hiking but that’s more of a vacation
than a hobby at this point.
73. Are You the center of attention or the wallflower: Totally depends on
the situation. In group business environments, I’m a take-charge,
lead-the-way kinda guy. Socially I’m a wallflower. But among friends, in
any sort of creative environment, or in the middle of a debate, I can be a
total attention whore.
74. What type of automobile do you wish to drive: I’d dig a new ‘05
Mustang. And an Explorer Sport Track for camping.
Number of:
CD’s you own: Purchased music CD’s? I’d say about 50-60. Most of them
are old Christian Rock stuff from that time in my life. :P Almost all of
the music I listen to these days are on computer or an MP3 CD, though I
own most of the originals.
Books you own: About 8 novels, 15 history/government books, 6-10
filmmaking books, and as many computer books. Four old hymnals, 11 or 12
year books, and countless old notebooks partially filled with lyrics or
story ideas.
E-mails you get on average: In a day, about 40 or 50 between my accounts,
but a lot of them are spam that my filter doesn’t catch. Maybe 3-4 real
emails a day, and a few automated mailers I’ve actually signed up for.
People on your buddy list: 68. Talk to about 4 or 5 of them on a regular
basis.
People you’ll send this to: Kaleena and Genelle (though they’ll both read
it in my journal).
Testing…
9 October 2004Hey all. Just testing to see if and how I can post an entry via e-mail.
Not much new to report on. I did call that teacher to inform her of the
open lab… got her voicemail.
We shall see, Xur, we shall see! (Bonus points to anyone who knows what
movie that’s from.
Well Hello…
8 October 2004Hmm… Somebody might be on the radar.
Yesterday afternoon I talked with one of the district’s new teachers on the phone for… much longer than I should’ve probably. And I totally rambled about the educational system and the state government and stuff, but it was a good convo I think. Well, today, that same teacher popped her head in the door asking if she could work in the lab. Well, it was closing time and it didn’t fully register to me who she was so I sent her out politely but perhaps a bit hurriedly. She clarified who she was before she left and it clicked then, but alas, too late.
Even if she did come in just to get help, I’m a bit disappointed I wasn’t more welcoming (hey, it’s the end of the day… I was crabby). So I think I’m gonna do a bit of damage control and call her tomorrow to remind her that we DO have open labs once a week, next Monday in particular, and we stay open late on those days. I’d think if she shows up, that might be a good sign… talk a little more, and I can check her fingers for round metallic objects. This whole dating thing’s a lot of work now that so many people are already married! ;-) At very least, she can distract me a bit from Margaret, a kind (to me, anyhow) but senile woman who shows up every week.
Oh, and this teacher seems fairly young, and asian! :-) Yes, yes… me and my silly little turn-ons.
Introspector Gadget
2 October 2004Well, I’ve gone through and reread pretty much my entire journal in the past day or so, and I’ve kinda wanted to get back to writing more often and more deeply about things. I feel like it’ll be so different now, because reading over how I used to write, the way I used to think, it all feels so foreign to how I am now. I believe I do play things on instinct much more so now than before, though I haven’t forsaken the importance of logic. I also don’t bullshit myself as much as I seemed to do there for a while–I wonder if I’d always been that way, or if I became that way to soften the blow of feeling really hurt and rejected. I believe I also liked hearing myself speak, and I kinda annoy myself now. I suppose I still love telling stories, but for the stories and not for myself.
So anyhow, introspection… Where am I now? I guess where I am becomes relative to the other people in my life, and the first person that comes to mind is Kaleena. You know, we’re “officially” best friends. Sounds kinda juvenile that way, but it’s something we discussed a while back. I’ve considered her to be mine for quite some time–she’s always so willing to hear my shit, and seems to know when to (and when not to) let me feel sorry for myself. She’s awesome like that, and I think it comes more automatic for her than is has for me with the countless people I’ve tried to be a best friend to. But anyhow, I never made the assumption that I was hers, her best friend. (I think) she knows more people than I do on a more personal basis, is really close to a few people online, and there’s a terrific friendship there with her own husband. So I’ve never really let it bother me that I might not be her best friend. Just figured I’m whatever friend I can be for her, and I’ll at least be one of her oldest friends. But she says I indeed hold the title, and that makes me feel good. Maybe we’ve been friends for so long that it’s just automatic for us–not taken for granted, but just something we know is there and don’t have to force expectation upon.
She’s been taking a lot of shit from various people, lately… Her boss, coworkers, friends, people from the ‘net… People who have no right to make her feel guilty about things, especially with their own blatant flaws. She should just dismiss that sort of crap and to some extent I think she does, but being the type to never have a heart of stone, she lets it get to her. God that pisses me off. So I’ve tried to pay her extra attention lately. I dunno, I just get the feeling she needs to unload and I kinda just wish I could hold her and let her do so–sometimes that just helps where hanging out and joking around falls short–but I’m not sure if that’s my place to. Mild confusion. So I guess the friendship isn’t completely void of complication, but eh, considering the bizarre situations past and present, it’s pretty damn good.
Agh! Splitting headache. I’ve been getting these too much lately; I don’t understand. Excedrin isn’t even helping much the past couple of days.
Oh well. Genelle and I have both been looking over past entries in our journals lately. I read through some of my stuff and really still kick myself for having been such a dick. But then I also read lines, which I’m sure I’d written at the time to justify or contemplate or forecast romance, and find myself genuinely pleased that the lines have actually rung true about our friendship. Being there for each other, surviving the test of time. Happened much differently than I’d hoped or expected, but it now feels right the way it has.
I’m still waiting to read the napkin memoirs. I guess on some level we’re still evaluating how important we are and/or should be for one another. There are still a lot of trust issues for both of us to shed, I think… Not that we’re complete skeptics of one another. I just still sense an awkwardness, an uneasiness there that–I dunno–maybe is good for us, maybe isn’t. I may also need to flush a few residuals from my old, old expectations of her. It’s a die-hard old habit when, in order to deal with all we put each other through, good and bad, and to gain closure, I’d sort of relegated her to memories, to the past where I could safely admire the dreamiest feelings about everything. But I’m pretty comfortable. I realize we’re a lot different than we were then, or at least the situation is very different, and I do feel I’ve changed a lot on an emotional level.
Well, I’m getting called out to put away some dishes and get ready for a meeting and all. I suppose I’ll reread this later tonight and see how it compares. I feel like I’ve been pretty honest about what’s on my heart and mind, what I’ve gotten to anyhow… Too honest? I dunno. I remember that I’ve always believed there was no such thing. Perhaps there is, but it’s still better than being dishonest.
One more time…
2 October 2004One of the most revisited quizzes in my journal, so I thought I’d see where I am now. Looks like I’m well on my way of becoming a paranoid schizophrenic.
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | High |
| Schizoid: | High |
| Schizotypal: | High |
| Antisocial: | Low |
| Borderline: | Low |
| Histrionic: | Low |
| Narcissistic: | Moderate |
| Avoidant: | Moderate |
| Dependent: | Low |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | Moderate |
– Personality Disorder Test - Take It! – |
|
Color Test
1 October 2004Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Generated on Fri Oct 1 02:18:42 2004.
Your Existing Situation
Readily participates in things that provide excitement or stimulation. Wants to feel exhilarated.
Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and of separation from others. Believes that life still has far more to offer and that he may miss his share of experiences if he fails to make the best use of every opportunity. He therefore pursues his objectives with a fierce intensity and commits himself deeply and readily. Feels himself to be completely competent in any field in which he engages, and can sometimes be considered by others to be interfering or meddlesome.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity but restless and inclined to be emotionally withdrawn, which prevents him from becoming deeply involved.
Your Desired Objective
Alert and keenly observant. Is seeking fresh avenues offering greater freedom and the chance to make the most of them. Wants to prove himself and to achieve recognition. Striving to bridge the gap which he feels separates him from others.
Your Actual Problem
The fear that he may be prevented from achieving the things he wants leads him into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities.
Your Actual Problem #2
Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.