Archive for April, 2005
Meh
29 April 2005Well, I splurged and bought this:
It arrived today… And eh, I’m of mixed opinion.
I guess the monitor itself is fine. It’s got one dead pixel, but hardly noticeable. Speakers are kinda wimpy, so I’ll probably link everything up to my old 2.1 set. But I dunno if I needed to spend $375 on it right now. Eh, I’ll probably change my mind once I get this thing workin’ with my DVD player and stuff.
Yeah, who am I kiddin’? That’s why I’m discouraged. I’ve gotta move half of my desk around & recover several lost cables that have fallen into the abyss that is behind my desk. That’s gonna suck ass… But I’ll probably be having a blast once I get done.
Drama
25 April 2005Two years & change ago, I accused somebody of being too “dramatic”. Yes, all that’s long resolved, no worries there. But tonight, though one of life’s great ironies, I realized just how dramatic I was acting myself in that same situation.
This girl I’ve been getting to know… More and more frequently, she’s just sorta been flipping out, thinking I’ve lost interest or am avoiding her. Maybe “flipping out” is a bit extreme, but it’s obviously bothering her, and I’ve had trouble understanding why. More significantly, I haven’t really wanted to bother figuring out why… Because while I’ve been enjoying her company, I don’t have a desire right now to deal with a bunch of unnecessary drama. (There’s that word again.) The chick just worries too damn much. She seems to read into every one of my actions, and I get the feeling she’s always plotting out the worst (along with the best) case scenarios in her head. In those respects, I just can’t relate to her.
…And then I realize: How could I NOT relate to her?
That’s exactly the way I used to behave. I always read into things, I always jumped to conclusions, put words in others’ mouths and tried to guess the thoughts running through their heads. I did so throughout high school, throughout college, right up until–in fact, two and change years ago, when all that shit went down. In fact, I’m still capable of behaving that way, I just have absolutely no desire to. Too fucking stressful, and ultimately not productive. I just don’t want to be in a relationship that brings with it a bunch of unnecessary expectations.
Perhaps she can understand this, or at very least understand that’s how I work. I hope that’s the case, as I don’t desire to pronounce this thing DOA. But I have a feeling she won’t truly intuitively “understand” until she’s gone through a relationship that’s challenged every fabric of her existence, that’s completely deconstructed her and built her back up, or left her to rebuild herself. And I don’t think I got it in me to be this girl’s “Genelle”. What would that make me? Her “Jeanette”? *shudders* I’d hate to think that at any point, she might look back at me and think of me as I now think of Jeanette. I guess I wouldn’t let it get to that point… Jeanette absolutely used me, she strung me along for a year and a half with no interest and no regard to the fact that the situation was unhealthy for me. I have no need or desire to use Kim, and if I lose interest I’d have no reason to string her along, except maybe simply being unwilling to admit my lost interest out of kindness. But things would come to a head by that point… Kim is at least more assertive than I was in that situation.
Anyhow, it’s just strange how situations have reversed themselves so long ago. I can see so very clearly now some of my fatal flaws in how I used to behave. The drama I brought into dating relationships with my worrying, most definitely served only to push the other people away. Drama… ha! I guess “drama” is a pretty loose term… It can apply to anything we don’t care about or don’t know how to deal with. Makes it a powerful & dangerous word.
Suck My Pyramid!
21 April 2005Is this a joke?
So this is the new food pyramid the U.S. Department of Agriculture has spent a good part of the past 13 years and god knows how many millions of tax dollars to create? What the fuck! At least the vintage 1992 food pyramid had something resembling or related to food on the inside… This could just as easily be a logo for a gay pride march.
Eh, more personal stuff at some other time.
mmm… LCD screen…
15 April 2005Ok, well I got an LCD screen for my computer at work today and I’m totally in love. I’m convinced I need to get one for my home computer & set it up to use in place of my TV as well–at least for DVDs and stuff.
I can wish in one hand, and start saving money in the other. Maybe this one.
Now how can I get my parents to help pay for this splurge?
mmmmm……..
Cold Turkey
14 April 2005Mini cold turkey on wheat, all veggies, no dressing. Pickle on the side, with an orange Gatorade to go.
Such was my lunch order at Steve’s Krazy Sub today. Essentially their “Heart Smart” meal, but a little healthier. (Potato chips and soda really don’t go well with a “healthy” meal plan, do they?)
I’m just tired of feeling out of shape. This desk job (and subsequent jobs) will slowly kill me if I don’t do something about it. Since Winter 2002, I’ve put back on all the weight I’d lost and then some, so much to the point that I actually look “fat”. I’ve been sorta “stout” since high school, but not necessarily out of shape. I’ve never shown my weight until just this past year or so. Tired of my favorite clothes fitting too tight (or not at all), tired of doing yard work with a shirt on… lol. But most of all, tired of feeling the strain of a quarter-mile walk, when I used to be able to walk miles a day with no problems.
In fact, I want to be able to run miles a day. If I’m going to get in shape, why stop at where I was in high school? I dunno, maybe I’ll wimp out, but it sounds like a good plan. I think if I’m in good shape, it’ll be easier to stay in good shape, than if I’m just in mediocre shape.
So… Hmm, guess I oughtta start hitting the gym again. I could always run around the block, too. Well, I do have my iPod shuffle to keep me company. :-D
Dude
13 April 2005My friend Rob, owner/operator of Comics2Film and scribe for Marvel Comics’s stillborn Epic title Young Ancient One, just got another writing gig. I’m not sure how official it is so I’ll spare the details, but I’m sure he’ll be mentioning it on his blog sooner or later. Not that anyone reading my journal probably knows or cares. :-P But Rob’s been a big help and a bit of a mentor for me, in both writing and webmastering, so I’m glad to hear good things come his way.
Working on “Version 3″ of my own site, though not with any great effort at the moment. We just went though a server upgrade to PHP 5/MySQL 4.1 and a lot of little bugs are showing up.. Pain in the ass, but it’s useful to discover my bad practices now instead of after the redesign’s complete.
Hmm… Yeah, nobody cares about this. Do I have anything to report on that suggests I have some semblance of a life? Well, I’m talking about taking up a trip to Flag next month, after Phil replaces the shocks in my truck. It’ll be my last chance to hang out with both Kim and Genelle while they’re still NAU students–after that, I doubt I’ll find many reasons to make the drive to Flagstaff. (Unless I eventually go to NAU myself, or… need to drive I-40 somewhere.) Was thinking of inviting Kaleena along for company but I suppose she might feel like the third wheel a good part of the time. We shall see.
Oh, I’m not feeling optimistic about the whole ADD/ritalin thing. Haven’t been feeling much affect so I took the larger dose Monday afternoon, and got all twitchy & loopy. Is that what it’s like to be on speed? I guess that’d mean I’m not ADD. Just, overstimulated perhaps? Strange to be relatively unmotivated and overstimulated at the same time.
Bowling
10 April 2005Bah… A few weeks ago, I went bowling, as I’m sure I wrote about. Well, I bowled my all-time best game when I was totally buzzed, so… Tonight I went again, with Kaleena and Matt and my bro Phil, and decided to recreate the strategy. Terrible idea. They had no pitchers so I went with long island iced teas and skipped straight over “buzzed” to shit-faced. Bowled maybe a 40 at my best? Maybe 60, I dunno. Anyhow, I guess it’s no longer a good strategy and I’ll just have to learn to bowl if I continue to do so. So, one less thing with which alcohol leads to a fun experience. Goodbye stupid college days. :-P
Tried talking to Kim a bit while sobering up at Kaleena’s and she stopped talking once I mentioned I drank tonight. Hope she didn’t take it the wrong way as I’m totally cool with her personal attitude about drinking… It’s not something I often enjoy. But among certain friends it’s sort of just a thing to do, and I make sure I do it responsibly (no drunk driving, no binge drinking) so… that’s just how it is. And tonight was probably only the fourth time in a year.
Yuck
9 April 20053:30 AM and I’m all smelly & sweaty for bed. Spent part of the day working on the back patio, back yard, taking trash to the dump and running a few other errands. Then tonight (too late, I think) I started working on my room. Just now got “done”. By done, I mean I still have a basket of clothes to sort, more clothes to wash, and my closet to clean out. But I’ve got my desk completely reorganized, my dresser, bookcase, everything off the floor & the walls except what’s supposed to be there. Doesn’t sound like a six-hour job even with the messiest of rooms, but when I start to clean I do get meticulous. That’s why I don’t clean often. :-P I wish I were just normally OCD so maybe I wouldn’t dirty it up to begin with.
Took ritalin for the first time tonight, and it was interesting to stay the least. On one hand I did feel more energetic, “wired” perhaps, but on the other hand I was definitely more alert & focused. I was able to juggle several tasks–which I normally do, but this time I was able to keep track of the other tasks while I was working on… whatever. Normally I get one task half-done, move to another task, forget about the first, etc. So I’m not sure if it was all the ritalin, all in my head, or mixed. Guess I’ll wait & see when I have something more monotonous to do. Guess it’s time to work on the website some more. ;-)
Chatted with Kim again tonight… Didn’t gel so well this time, and I think she realized it. I dunno, I was pretty preoccupied working on my room, and she was looking at houses for her parents. Eh, and mostly she was talking about houses & furniture and very… financial, materialistic? I dunno, just very concrete quantitative desires, just stuff that I don’t think much about. Financial strain I worry about, but financial desires? My only desire is to avoid the strain. :-P So just unnatural topics of conversation for me, oh well.
Tomorrow, I shall… work on the site? Maybe I’ll just rest; today was kinda hectic. Sunday I’m supposed to do something with Jenn but I dunno what. Right now, the only thing that sounds good is sleep. So perhaps I should indulge myself.
Keep it Rizzle
8 April 2005Just in case my journal is too boring for anyone, try readin’ this:
Word to your mother.
Ketchup
8 April 2005Not much to talk about. I came home from work early yesterday because my stomach was all messed up. Actually, I was having aches real local to the front right side of my gut, which had me worried, appendix? But it’s gone away & my stomach’s still a little achy, but it’s usually more generalized at this point. Stayed home today ’cause I’m still not 100% but mostly to help my mom get the house ready for an appriasal. (We’re not moving; folks are just refinancing to a new loan that’ll cut their minimum payments in half.)
Hadn’t gotten nearly enough sleep this week, which I was fortunately able to make up for yesterday. Been talking to aforementioned “new girl” whom we shall dub NAU Chick Part Deux? …eh, we’ll just stick with ”Kim”. It appears I am still capable of being kept up to 2-3 AM–I’d hate to think it depends on whom I’m talking to, because I still enjoy my convos with certain other people (yes you, G) but maybe we just don’t have as much to talk about at this point.
But, no need to dwell on the negative, as there’s nothing really negative… It’s just great & a big relief to talk to someone again at such lengths without thinking, “Ugh, how can I end this conversation?” That’s how it’s been lately with anyone new I’ve met, which is why I’ve known nearly all of my friends for 2 or 3 years or more. And I must say, it seems like Kim may have more in common with me than… well, most anyone I’ve known. I’ve been good at picking up on people’s feelings before, knowing the right thing to say, etc., just general friendship skills. But it’s not like I’ve known anyone who: (1) was a CompSci major, unhappy with their degree, (2) somewhat envious of their friends for having more fun and having “college life” figured out, though the solutions obviously weren’t optimal, etc. Just myself. :-P
So, it’s pretty cool. She has a livejournal, and knows about mine, so it’s a leeetle weird writing about her knowing she’ll read it. But just takes some getting used to, if I recall. And I think she understands the advantage of being able to write in a journal unabashed (and of others being able to read it?), so yeah.