Archive for July, 2005
Doin’ the Chandler Dance
26 July 2005*shakes fists in air*
*makes awkward circular motions with arms and butt*
Oh yeah. I… Am done with Chapter 1.
Now it’s time for Chapter 2.
I figure for my first draft I might have 12-15 chapters, and in later drafts I’ll probably go back and embellish some. 1984 has about 99,000 words (according to a word count from an online copy)… Right now I have 3,000. So I figure I need to write between 20x and 30x what I’ve already written. That sounds intimidating, but then I’ve only been writing for five days, and only 4-5 hours of solid writing (about twice more spent contemplating).
I expect I should get on a roll, and write at least 1000 words an hour. If I were to write just an hour a day, I’d be done by Christmas. If I can write for three hours a day at work, and I expect I can for at least the next week or so, I’d be up to 18,000 words. Of course this is all useless mathematical nonsense… I’m sure at different points I’ll write faster than others. So if next week I’m not at 15,000 words, I won’t be disappointed, but if I’m above 15,000 words, I’ll be more than satisfied.
Uhhpdate
24 July 2005Sunday morning, point of no return. I took a sick day Friday, but I absolutely must go to work tomorrow. (Because… I’m out of sick time, and I need the money?) Anyhow, the worst problem hasn’t been the pain, but the restlessness it’s been causing at night, and I think I’ve figured out how to get past that. Half a Xanax before I go to bed.
I can’t begin to explain the hilarity and irony that, just as I’m beginning to write a criticism against, among other things, the fact that people are growing to dependent on mood-altering medications, I myself am putting down my Ritalin and picking up some Xanax. I suppose it would make me a terrible hypocrite, but it’s not like I’m Tom Cruise, jumping up and down on a couch, proclaiming that chemical imbalances don’t exist. I’m sure they do–I need only look at my family, my friends, and myself for some proof. I just think that, in many cases, the human body & mind have their own ways to deal with such things. Sometimes they don’t. But if we don’t give them a chance, and go straight to the drugs, what would happen if we (as a society) were cut off from all the drugs? We’d have no experience, no easy way to control ourselves naturally… In fact, we’d have to deal with the loss of drugs itself as both a stress point and as a point of psychological withdrawl.
…ahem. I’m getting ahead of myself. You can just read my book when I’m done. :-P
Anyhow, Friday I put in a message for the doc, explaining my family history with the gall bladder. He called back later and mentioned that one of my liver enzymes is above normal according to my blood test–this fits the profile of it being the gall bladder. So sometime I’ll be getting a complete abdominal ultrasound or CT-scan or something.
Oh… had a dream last night. Just thought I’d share since certain other people (who are now using DeadJournal–traitors!) have been sharing dreams, and this one involved them. I was apparently back in Bismarck, ND, riding around with Kaleena as she went around meeting old friends (friends that she never actually got to see on the trip). For some reason, she was driving like a maniac, running off the road hitting signs, and somehow the Corolla was taking it all, though I was terrified because I knew we’d still get charged for damages. Anyhow, what’s weird was, somehow, I ended up at a party with Tyra D. and some of her friends… Now, Tyra is someone I knew in Kentucky, through youth group. But apparently, Mayfield, KY, was just around the bend from Bismarck, ND. So, I was at the party, it got a bit weird, but by that time I was already passing out (though I don’t recall drinking). Woke up in a spare bedroom, found Tyra, thought everything was cool… And then I woke up again in Bismarck. So I had passed out and woken up in a dream within a dream. Very confusing. Oh! And as if I were still in elementary school and needed to dream dreams like this, I was only in my underwear for much of the dream/both dreams. Ha… I wonder if it really is just because I’ve been reading & writing more than usual, but I get a kick out of just how much I’ve been dreaming lately.
Oh yes… Reading and writing. I’m reading Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451, and it’s cool. It’s about censorship, and the final straw that drew society to burning all books seems a little disconnected, but I think the rest of his description of future society is uncanny: too many people, too many concessions to even the slightest minorities, people driving too fast, inconsiderate of those around them… there’s even “reality” programming on their parlor walls. Now, this reality TV actually allows the viewer to directly interact with the other characters, but still… the premise of the technology is that all these poorly conceived, poorly written characters, are “real”, when they’re quite far from it.
I’m on page 6 or 7 now, writing. Turns out I wasn’t writing in the proper format for manuscripts, so when I fixed it, I already jumped from three pages to five. Ugh… I’m at what might be the toughest part of the whole story for me to write. It’s a make-out scene, one that’s completely impersonal and casual without the least bit of romanticism, and I don’t want to make it smutty, and yet I don’t want to skip over it either. Eh, I’ll just veg out on the bed with my lava lamp & black light going and my iTunes “trance” stream playing and brainstorm.
The Gall
22 July 2005Yep. Still awake… Grr…
Actually, I’ve got a hunch now that it is my gall bladder. I was talking to my mom, and she reminded me that both she and my aunt had gall bladder problems early–my aunt at 35 (a bit young, I guess) and my mom as early as 12! Plus, it affected both of them most at night, which… unfortunately seems to be the case.
I looked up gall bladder disease & gall stone symptoms online (not on WebMD) and the symptoms match to a tee. Pain comes over the course of an hour or so and stays the same for as many as several hours. The pain is often right below the ribcage on the right-hand side–right where I feel it, and right where I feel what seems like “swelling”. (Gall bladder disease is, essentially, the swelling of the organ.) Plus, putting a heat pack on it seems to reduce the discomfort… Some good news at last. I’m warming the heat pack right now and hopefully it’ll allow me to get in a few hours of sleep.
Ok, I’m gone. G’nite.
Is that a virus in your colon, or are you just happy to see me?
22 July 2005I should update.
I went to the doctor today, as I’ve been having pains in the right side of my abdomen. (Don’t think I’d mentioned that.) Actually I first got them several weeks ago, the first night or two of the ND trip, only at night when I was lying in bed. They went away, but a few days ago they came back, stronger and more constant.
As per my norm, I just tried toughing it out for a few days, but then fell into a panic last night when it started feeling worse. (And I’m sure panicking in turn made it feel even worse.) WebMD doesn’t help… They’re so dramatic. “If you’re having localized abdominal pains, call the doctor… You’re going to die. If your nosebleed is ’severe’, you’re going to die. If you got a paper cut, you may have contracted a rare flesh-eating virus transmitted by the edge of the paper. You’re going to die.”
The effect is, I go to the doctor’s office and immediately feel better. Not well, but at least better, because I know I’m in the hand of a medical expert. Then the doctor rules out what it might be.
- It’s not an intestinal blockage, or I’d be throwing up severely. I haven’t been even the least bit nauseous.
- It likely isn’t related to the gall bladder, or else it would hurt worse when I eat.
- He doesn’t think it’s any type of ulcer. I forget why, but I’ll live with that.
- It might be the appendix, simply because of the location of my pain. But I’m not exhibiting any other symptoms… No fever, no sharp pains, etc.
More than likely, says the doc, it’s some sort of virus or viral infection (or does the presence of a virus automatically make it an infection?) in the front end of the colon. Interestingly, that’s at least where I thought the pain was most likely coming from. (Hey, I don’t know shit about anatomy… I just guessed by looking at a picture of one’s innards and feeling around on my own self.) He’s getting my blood tested just to make sure it’s not the appendix, but at this point I seriously doubt it myself.
Anyhow, because of all this, and the general discomfort I’m in, especially when sitting at my computer (like right now), I didn’t make much progress on my writing. However, I was able to clean up my first page and just about capped off the scene (about a second page now), and managed to tie in a lot of the elements of the story very early on. So I’m happy. I hope this stupid virus-whatever gets out of my system sooner rather than later, because I can’t focus nearly as well as I could otherwise.
I ought to hit the sack. I go back to work tomorrow… Boo! Eh, workin’ for a living.
Page One
21 July 2005I’ve written my first page of the novel.
Yes, that sounds pretty pathetic, but it was difficult to decide how to open. Plus, the route I chose ended up being very visual-heavy, and that’s gotta be the hardest thing to do in a novel. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll get at least two new pages done! :-P
1984
20 July 2005Well, I’ve read George Orwell’s 1984 front to back. While it’s less relevant to my prewriting than Brave New World, it’s considerably more gripping & thought-provoking. I could digress into any number of Orwellian diatribes about the Bush administration, the two party system (perpetually warring, creating a peace-like equilibrium at the top), and so on and so on, but… That would be distracting.
However, I think I’ll buy my own copy of this book, as there are topics I’d like to revisit. Hey, I don’t know the last time I expressed the desire to own a book I’d previously read, so I guess that’s quite a compliment to the book.
Jean Pierre Jeunet
18 July 2005“Sacre Bleu! I just put in Amelie again. Watched half of it, realized I would never make it through this late, and fastforwarded to recapture some of the ending. It is oh so early to believe it, but something tells me this may be top the list of favorite films. Shawshank? Can it compete? I don’t know. But something tells me it is going to be lasting. It may very well become the most influential film. Look what it’s helped with already… my creative juices have been envigorated and flow in amounts I scarcely remember having before. As of yet my hands haven’t kept up on the keyboard, but my mind has been fluttering like the blue fly, down avenues and streets I’ve never seen.” - Me, two and a half years ago.
And here I am today. Amélie is indeed my all-time favorite film, and though I haven’t watched it in months, I feel as though I could recite nearly the whole film in my mind. I’m sure I could speak the English translations, reading along to the film without subtitles.
And, having just finished watching A Very Long Engagement with the commentary track, I find myself similarly inspired. Not to say that the film will become another favorite–though a splendidly made film, it just doesn’t tug at my heartstrings as Amélie does. But to hear Jeunet comment on his film, on the techniques involved and the homages to Leone and Kubrick and Speilberg, and to hear the obvious-yet-modest pride he takes in his accomplishments, scene by scene… It just inspires me to want to do the same.
I feel like I’ve been on a bit of a creative surge in the past week or two, not actively so, but at least in terms of inspiration. I read Brave New World nonstop (and, despite my complaints, was captivated enough not to become distracted) and am now working on 1984. And I find myself more inspired, often with ideas not at all related to what I’m reading. (I’m also dreaming much more vividly than I have in years… Weird, huh?) And now I’m even more inspired by Jeunet. Last time I felt this way, it led to 30 pages of Day’s End (which I have since decided to rewrite) and about as much of Goldfield. Now I know I must make more use of my inspiration, and/or find ways to prolong it. I may yet become a heavy book-reader. :-P
Once work starts back up, it should be rather slow for a few weeks, so as soon as I finish 1984 I ought to get right on with writing. Perhaps writing 2076 in a different format, I should try a different approach… Less plotted, more open-ended. I feel more comfortable with the idea this time around. Being bigger than Day’s End, it doesn’t require so many tie-ins, such symmetrical story arcs. Ooh, I like feeling creative. It’s nice. I should be off to bed, though. G’nite!
Brave New World
16 July 2005Well, I’m most of the way through reading Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World as part of my “presearch” before embarking on my writing project. The premise for my story has already had people saying, “Oh, that sounds like…” this or that, and Brave New World seemed to be the most frequent comparison. Reading it, I can understand why, but I’m also confident that any similarities will be entirely superficial.
Not to knock on a dead guy or to pretend I’m hot stuff, but Brave New World is the type of book that’s not nearly as interesting as its plot synopsis. Huxley spends three entire chapters just describing the “hatchery” process by which future humans are born… err, decanted. His story is certainly a social commentary, but it plays out like a giant, literary “still life” of a possible future. Not, in fact, a whole lot going on. I’m the type of reader that thinks more than reads–which makes me seem like an incredibly slow reader–but when I’m reading something “good” I’m usually embellishing upon the descriptions in my mind. Books like these, I just tend to be scatterbrained, thinking about other things, or often, “It’d be more interesting if…”
Huxley seems like he was a rather intelligent man, and many have held him in high literary regard (himself included). I wouldn’t expect to live up to that, especially as I would never consider myself a novelist, even if I wind up writing a novel. But the story in my head is, at very least, much more dynamic and challenging than the one I’m reading on paper.
Anybody else read Brave New World? Thoughts?
P.S. Bit of trivia: I quickly realized Sandra Bullock’s character in Demolition Man was an homage to Brave New World, in name at least: Lenina (after the lead female character) and Huxley (after the author). For a rather silly movie, it’s quite steeped in homage.
Gearing up to write a novel…
14 July 2005No, no joke. Well, a novel or screenplay or… whatever it ends up being first. The following is a little prewriting “foreward” I’ve written to set the tone for my story, 2076, set in… yes, 2076. I’ll spare the plot details to protect myself from the copyright-infringing vultures of the Internet, but the foreward should give at least a vague idea of what it will be about. Feel free to ask questions (in private) and I may answer.
- - - - -
It’s arrogant to believe that any one nation is immune to the influence of revolution, invasion, or depression, or numerous other possible changes over the course of time. The Roman Empire, the Catholic Church’s monopoly on Christendom, the French monarchy, and Nazi Germany are all precedents to the contrary. Within our lifetime, we’ve seen the razing of the Berlin Wall and, with it, the collapse of the Soviet Union. And yet it seems that most of my fellow Americans consider the United States to be a permanent fixture among the world’s political landscape. Nothing—not the threat of terrorism, nor the strain and disintegration of decades-long political allies, nor the rampant political corruption and conflict at home—would seem to convince us otherwise.
Are we really so durable, so resilient? Are we even so involved in our own collective future as to prevent disaster or decay? Or is it entirely possible that, by some circumstance, seen or unseen as of yet, our way of life could be drastically altered or even ended by the time of our nation’s 300th birthday?
This piece of literature—I am unsure whether it will become a novel or screenplay or both or neither—is simply an elaboration upon such thoughts. My contemplations and criticisms are neither exclusive to America, nor exhaustive of the entire “American way”. In fact, I consider myself to be quite a patriot, and not much at all of a dissenter, though certainly a nonconformist.
Aldous Huxley, author of Brave New World (to which I’m certain 2076 will be compared, in terms of subject matter, if not of quality, which is far less likely) was a very intelligent, insightful man, but his prophecies contained one serious oversight as far as I can tell: government need not micromanage the human genome nor the reproductive habits of society in order to breed conformity. Perhaps it was his time in which he lived, or perhaps it was that he was an Englishman, but he underestimated the power of a concept we Americans are ever mindful of, even during our most mindless behavior: the pursuit of happiness. It’s both our greatest strength and greatest weakness. We believe, as it simply must be possible, that we can make ourselves happy; this belief can lead us to both great progress and, unfortunately, great excess. It’s all too easy to isolate ourselves within a lavish bubble, to become more concerned with fashion trends and must-see TV than with eradicating poverty or putting an end to unjust wars. It’s happened already! Even our political arena has become little more than a means of social identification. I live in a Red State. Do you live in Blue State?
Self-interested. Self-medicated. Self-segregated. Self-homogenized. This is how we may create our own dystopia, all the while avoiding Big Brother and other Orwellian icons, and never even coming close to the most shocking of Huxley’s warnings.
Road Trip Retrospective
11 July 2005Ok, so here’s a breakdown of the past 10 days:
Friday, 01 July: Got packed up–clothes, video camera, iPod shuffle, game boy, books–and got a ride to Kaleena’s apartment. Began my road trip in wonderful fashion, falling asleep early on her couch.
Saturday: I woke up at about 6:00 on my own, but waited until about 9:00 for everyone else to wake up. Went with Matt & Kaleena to Avis to rent a car. Matt’s mom was renting it as the “primary” driver, but they still shafted us with a $25/day “young driver” fee for a whopping $450 or so. Matt bought us “breakfast”: burgers from McD’s. Hit the road at about 11:00 a.m. Drove through Payson and Holbrook to the I-40, then a straight shot to Albuquerque. Caught the I-25, which would take us straight up into Wyoming. Ate (Wendy’s) in Santa Fe at about 8-9 p.m., and continued driving until midnight or later (1:00 a.m. local time). There was a terrible wreck in Pueblo, CO, and we were forced to take surface streets. We almost resigned to stay at a ratty ghetto motel (with stereotypical non-english-speaking asian owners), but they wanted to charge us $59! So we wandered a bit and, on the north side of the detour, found a cozy Ramada Inn with vacancy for only $10 more. Kaleena and I lied and said it was just the two of us, no kids–ahh, to commit fraud twice in one day.
Sunday: Woke up early again–6 instead of everyone else’s 7:30, got McDonalds again–real breakfast foods, this time. And on we went. The kids slept most of the day in the car, and we breezed through Colorado Springs–gorgeous country–and Denver. Stopped in Cheyenne, WY, but skipped lunch… Drove from there to Lusk, to Newcastle (along the most boring stretch of road in the country, I think), to Four Corners, to Sundance, and finally into South Dakota. (No, Wyoming doesn’t have a real “four corners”–my best guess is that the town is named after its one major intersection.) Took I-90 to Belle Fourche (pronounced Bell Foosh) and caught the US-85 or something into North Dakota… Then it was a straight shot on I-94 into Bismarck.
So now, you’re bored, but you know how to get from Phoenix to Bismarck.
Anyhow, this is where the “trip” really began. For a few days, I was back in small town USA. Bismarck and its twin city Mandan have a combined population of about 80k people–considerably more than in my “hometown” of Mayfield, KY, but certainly not metropolitan–Phoenix has, what, two or three million people? Bismarck is growing quickly–lots of businesses attracted to it, for some reason–but it’s maintained a friendly atmosphere. (Tuesday we went to the mall, and the people at Hot Topic were trying to strike up conversation–”Hi, how ya doin’?” and then some. Bizarre. :-P )
Over the next three days I got to see where Kaleena had grown up–the houses and, more generally, the community. It reminded me why I was glad to grow up in a small town, and I imagine she feels the same… It’s the kind of place where nobody locks their doors, and in fact leaves them open during the day. The kinda neighborhoods where you actually know your neighbors, you usually like them, and you even have barbeques and do stuff with them. The town is actually mindful of itself as a community and makes sure there are parks and sports fields and even a zoo for families to enjoy–in that respect, I’ve got to give Bismarck a one-up over Mayfield.
Saw Batman Begins (for the seventh time) at their local theatre, and though prices were just a bit steeper and the popcorn was cooked too oily, the theatre itself was much nicer than our big chains here. We saw the movie in a 200-seater, and the screen was nearly as big as those in our big 400 seaters at Harkins or AMC. The lobby was decorated in an Egyption motif, much like the old 1950s movie houses might’ve been, and the auditoriums were actually draped in curtains.
Ate at a place called Paradiso’s on Tuesday night. It’s ironic that we travelled 1800 miles away from Mexico to dine on the best Mexican food I’ve eaten in several years. Again, I credit it to the small-town mentality… Everybody’s got something to do, and they do it well. They take pride in it. Everywhere in Bismarck, our food was great and service was good, though the employees were a bit “unprofessional” in ways we’re not used to. For instance, they didn’t automatically kiss ass to their coworkers/bosses. Doesn’t really bother me. I know how bosses can be. ;-)
Anyhow, back to the breakdown… Did most of the same between Monday and Wednesday… Had a 4th of July cookout but otherwise did nothing special… Just wandered around town and lounged around at home. (I played a lot of Need For Speed 2 on PS2–you’d think I had enough driving for a week.)
Thursday, 07 July: Hit the road again. Drove down to see “the faces”, Mt. Rushmore. They were smaller than I expected–but then, we didn’t stop for a closer look. The Black Hills were beautiful, and I kept thinking what great camping they would’ve made for. Worked our way back through Wyoming, and Kaleena took over just in time for a huge storm cell to “pull up” next to the interstate. It was probably 50 miles away, but I got some amazing footage of the storm and the “cloud wall”–the cell was just about perfect for tornadic activity, and I’m willing to bet I saw one or more funnel clouds forming. It was exhilirating… As I kid, I was terrified by tornadoes and later fascinated by them. They’re one of those subjects I studied more than I needed to. Made great time into Colorado and through most of Denver, but our luck ran out on the south edge of town. The entire city is under construction, more or less, and among the detours and work zones, there were very few markings to confirm we were still on the I-25. We turned off, got a bit lost, found the I-25 again but couldn’t get on it… Drove a bit more and finally got back on track. The experience soured a pretty easy day of driving, and by the time we got out of the city, we were ready for some stiff drinks and sleep. Fortunately, the Best Western in Castle Rock is adjacent to a huge liquor store–think Wal-Mart for booze. So we split a few Smirnoff Ices and went to bed.
Friday: Hit rush hour in Colorado Springs, but it wasn’t bad. A few long but quick hours got us back down to Albuquerque, and we were met with a terrible dust storm rolling in. Waited for the worst to pass and then got on the I-40, wrestled a bit of rain & heavy winds but got into Holbrook, AZ, before sundown. The last leg of the drive–from Heber to Payson to Mesa–was the most stressful of the trip: nighttime driving on curvy, hilly backroads (state highways), and traffic sparse enough as to feel somewhat alone & vulnerable on the road. But we made it back in one piece, and the only close call of the trip was driving the 202 freeway–some nimrod wanted to change into the same lane as I, and he hadn’t signaled. But we got the rental car home undamaged.
But that was all just the circumstantial recollection of the trip and, IMO, not very interesting. (Really, is anybody still reading?) More interesting is to compare how I felt up in Bismarck, and on the way up, relative to how I felt coming down and how I feel back home. Kaleena and I both noted that, on the drive up, I was a pretty cool-tempered driver–only went on a brief passive-aggressive rant against my fellow drivers once or twice. The drive back down, it was more like once or twice an hour. Now, I do think that people are more courteous on the road outside of Phoenix and other big cities. But I imagine part of my mood was affected by what I had to look forward to.
I think there are too many people in the valley, and especially too many unkind people. So many people are so greedy and self-serving, and that makes everyone else act greedy and self-serving just to keep from getting stepped on. This is perfectly expressed by the way people drive, but it’s just as true at school, work, and the community in general. I think I’ve sensed this for a few years, and I’ve become rather crabby because I resent it. I don’t like to have to fight tooth and nail for a promotion or an acquaintance or a lane on the freeway. It makes more sense to do/want/get things in my rightful turn and be courteous in the meantime–but there’s no way of convincing two million people to do the same.
So what? Move? That’s a good possibility. But to where? Any major city, I expect, will be the same, and even if I moved some place like Bismarck, I have a sad feeling that the same attitude will migrate in with new people. Any place that’s doing well economically, I suspect, is going to become this way. It’s something to consider–I could enjoy myself in a place like Bismarck–but in any case, it’s a long-term solution, down the road a bit.
In the meantime, I dunno, maybe I need to put myself in a bubble of sorts? I’ve always frowned upon people living in their own little worlds, naive to everyone else… But as it is, I’m simply being embittered by everyone else’s bitterness, and that’s not fair. So how to block out the pointless, selfish, shit? I suppose it will require some psychological discipline. (Discipline! Ah, I suck at that.) I think that’ll make a lot of things better… Work, debt, working on the website, trying to write & all that. If I can shrug off all the burdens of the countless, nameless people who would drag me down, I think I’ll be in better shape. But again, how? Meh, maybe it’s time to hit the self-help section. :-P
Suggestions are welcome, of course.