Archive for 'Introspection' Category
On Honesty
23 November 2006With all the aforementioned developments–saying goodbye to Genelle, getting together with Trish, and the ups & downs involved in this and any new relationship, I’ve been re-evaluating my various bad habits and behaviors and my values and the way I deal with my feelings a lot.
One of the foremost of those values is honesty–one of the most important factors in relationships. More to the point, DIShonesty is especially important, namely, to failed relationships. I never thought I’d have a problem with being honest, always thought that was one of my best qualities. And really, it’s not like I lie through my teeth every chance I get. But… I’m not particularly honest about my feelings. Often, not even with myself. This is probably either one of the causes, or a direct result, of my rather underwhelming dating history–or perhaps a combination of the two.
In lieu of, y’know, regular updates…
21 November 2006Gah! I always do this… I get going with new entries on a semi-frequent basis, and then I just fall off the grid. And this time, it’s not like I can really pull the excuse of “nothing’s ever worth talking about”. Plenty of things, in fact. Hmm… Should I start in order of importance or chronological? I think I’ll tackle old business first.
My List (Revisited)
30 August 2006I was doing some tweaking to TH… (That’s right, I haven’t forgotten about this place, despite my tendency to write sparsely and sporadically. Actually, I installed a new plugin that displays “Related Posts”, and some more are coming. But I digress…)
Ahem… I was doing some tweaking to TH, and I came across “My List“. That is, a list of things I want in an “ideal” girl for me. It’s a short post, so here’s the long-and-short of it:
Eh, Danté wrote a list of criteria for the “perfect” girl, seemed cool, so I thought I’d do it. I’m not even pushing the subject lately, but lists are just cool.
1) She must be capable of providing a stimulating conversation with me, and isn’t afraid to.
- a) She isn’t afraid to defend her opinions, and
- b) is respectful of others’ opinions when they differ.
2) She must be compassionate about the world around her.
3) She must consider love a priority in life.
4) She mustn’t have a restless heart.
- a) It doesn’t mean she can’t want to see the world or experience as much as she can… I want the same, but
- b) She should find content in settling down into a peaceful life, gradually and eventually.
5) She should like those other goals or dreams I’ve set in my own life. (i.e. the “ugly green chair” thing)
- a) She should have her own goals and dreams, but
- b) ours should be relatively compatible.
6) She should take some sort of pride in her appearance.
- a) She doesn’t need have the “perfect” body or dress a certain way, but
- b) Her appearance should be reflective and representative of the type of person she is.Wow, I didn’t think I’d come up with a very good list, but I’m actually quite happy with it. I’ll give it a second looking later, to see if there is any room for addition or correction.
Oops. Did a bang-up job with that, the second look. Oh well… Well over three years later, but here I am. Interestingly, though I wrote this entry hot off the major, heartwrenching drama I went through with Genelle (and it shows), the list is still pretty accurate to what I desire. Usually when someone asks me to describe my perfect match, I tell them I won’t know her until I meet her. In fact, I guess I’ve had a reasonable idea all along.
Even more interesting: I seem to have found someone who, as best as I can determine, meets just about every criterion on that list. There are a few caveats: Her goals seem more in line with what mine were back then than what they are now. (Although, what the hell are my goals, anyhow?) I’ve yet to catch her in a situation that would require a display of compassion, especially towards the world at large. And I’m somewhat jonesing for some intellectually stimulating conversation, but again, the opportunity for such hasn’t really presented itself. But you know what? Those concerns are simply unknowns, blank spaces. They certainly aren’t ominous red X’s. And I have a strong feeling that, sooner or later, I’ll be looking at big green check marks down the line.
Not that the success of a relationship can be governed by a checklist… I’ve never believed that. Even still, I’m somewhat surprised how swiftly a real relationship and a good relationship cuts its own path, rendering expectations null and void. Every time I get together with Naomi, the occasion unfolds differently than I would’ve expected. And it’s fun that way. Yes, I’m a lucky guy, alright.
Weird Day for Everyone
10 August 2006So apparently everyone’s had a weird day of some sorts. Naomi was feeling “not centered”, which as many of you know is something I don’t like hearing without having more details. Liz was bored but quick to leave chat tonight. My bro was oddly quiet after seeing the movie tonight–although, being WTC, leaving in an oddly quiet mood is somewhat understandable. People who tend to talk a lot weren’t talking at all tonight, and people who tend to save their words had plenty to pass along, although nothing necessarily substantial.
All in all, it’s now got me in a weird, somewhat unsettling mood, and I don’t particularly care for it. Ugh. Just can’t wait for the weekend. I feel slightly tortured that there’s this still-relatively-new person in my life, and I can’t wait to continue to get to know her better, but between schedules and distance it’s just so hard to do so. Is it possible to really “get to know” someone you only really get to see or talk to once or twice a week? Yeah, it is, but it’s slow-going and frustrating. All in good time, I know. :P
Bed beckons.
How I Date
14 July 2006Ok, so… This is how I prepare myself for a date. (Nevermind how I arrange a date, which I’ll try to describe in hilarious fashion… later.)
- Call the night before. Offer no specifics, beyond that Friday night is good, and something to the effect of dinner and a movie will be occurring.
- Wear jeans & a cheap $2 Wal-Mart t-shirt, as opposed to dressing up, because… well, it’s casual Friday at work today.
- Receive text message detailing time, town, and activity at noon. Don’t respond until 4pm.
Ok, here comes the really fun part:
- Check the movie showtimes online.
- Use Firefox’s DOM Inspector to clean up the page, because with all the ads & junk, it’s really not a print-ready page.
- Print the page.
- Highlight desired movies & showtimes.
- In notepad, compile an abbreviated list of desired movies and showtimes, such as the following:
Breakup 7:05 9:55
Prada 8:05
Nacho 8:25
Pirates 8:15 9:30
Supes 7:30 8:45
Dupree 7:55 9:15
- Send the list to cellphone via email/text message.
- Await further instructions.
Is it any wonder I don’t date much? Okay, here’s this girl who seems interested in me and whom I should be (and am) genuinely interested in getting to know better… One of the few people around whom I felt immediately comfortable upon meeting… And I’m too scatterbrained to call her with any advance notice, or attempt to impress her to the slightest degree with my appearance. Yet, I’m perfectly willing to spend 20 asinine minutes compiling a list of showtimes because, in my head, there’s cool factor to that.
Part of it may go to that thing, that behavior of mine. When it comes to organization, I’m either completely unorganized or a total perfectionist. I usually opt for the former, because I’m never satisfied with the latter.
Or maybe I’m just a shitty date. :P
Save the World?
9 July 2006You have a fabulous job. It pays fantastically well and you are set for life. It’s even reasonably challenging. You’ve found the perfect woman and the perfect city, too. You’ve got everything you could ever want. However you are one of only a few people on Earth who can save the lives of a large group of people about to face a major disaster. To go would mean giving up everything you hold dear (you’ll lose your job, your wife will leave you and keep the house and car, etc.). What do you do?
- Go save the people
- I’ve got it too good to give it up now. Surely someone else will do it.
My goodness, this is a tough question, and I never thought it would be. A few years ago, I’d have picked “save the people” without a second thought. I guess I’ve grown pretty cynical of the vast majority of people since then. A lot, I suppose, would depend on how many people, what group of people & where (I’m probably more likely to sacrifice my well being for total strangers on the other side of the world than, say, people from Phoenix or California or something), and the nature of the disaster. I guess I’d still choose to save the people, because having a clean conscience and a positive world impact is more valuable to me than personal successes.
At least I’m not 35…
9 July 2006‘Life is crazy…and I’ve figured out why you never see the headline “Psychic wins lottery”. It’s the same as with ‘being on the outside looking in’. Perspective from a distance has more clarity. I have found that my own intuition and abilities are trustworthy when using them to help out others, but for myself, everything is unclear. I’m too close to my own situations and thereby read too much into the scenarios that I would want to see. For someone else, it’s much easier to be emotionally distanced and to see things with a more unbiased opinion.’
That was a journal entry from some 35-year-old woman on some other site. 35!!!
I had come to that conclusion about myself at least a good 3-4 years ago, if not longer. I guess for as bad as I’d claim to be with relationships and all that, at least I’ve got that point figured out.
So does that mean I’m emotionally mature? Or since I’m five or so years ahead of a 35-year-old, does it just confirm my crotchety-old-man syndrome? lol